Idols, Gurus and Eric Cantona

Some people I know are so self assured. They know exactly who and what they are. I don't know who I am. I have (and will probably continue to) spend my life trying to answer the constantly nagging questions "who are you, what are you, why are you here, and just WTF are you doing?" Sometimes I think it must be so much easier to be one of those people who live without the constant chatter of questions, enquiring, pushing me to find answers. Frankly it's quite exhausting. But at the same time, looking for the answers means I'm constantly striving, and it's the times when I have given up on the striving that I have been at my lowest points, and the times when I'm looking for answers that I feel a sense of fulfilment. 

I wonder how these people know the answers? How do they have this peace within them? Would those who believe in reincarnation think these people have been reincarnated so many times they have answered all the questions? And those of us still stuck in the investigative phase are all newbies?

Last night, for want of anything better to watch, the man and me watched a film called Looking for Eric. It's about a down and out guy who has pretty much zero self confidence and his life is looking pretty bleak, until his idol Eric Cantona appears to him and starts coaching him in the ways of the world, and very quickly his life is turned around. It turned out to be a pretty good film.

For some people, life seems so easy, they just get on with it, get through life without the endless questions and analysis. But for the rest of us, frantically zigzagging through life, trying to make sense of it all, we need a bit of help. And we often find help in other people, idols, gurus, whatever you want to call them, people who inspire us. Just like the man in the film was inspired by Eric Cantona, by channelling or thinking about people we admire, we gain confidence and a focus.

How many people wear WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) bracelets? You can now get bracelets asking "What Would insert the name of your idol here Do?" for pretty much anyone you can think of, now or in history.

Most of us don't actually know what we're doing in life, and many of us face situations daily where we simply don't know what to do. From the big questions: "Should I buy this house?"" Should I have a kid?" etc to the relatively small and seemingly unimportant "What should I wear today?" Asking ourselves "What would this person who we admire do?" can give a focus for our thoughts. Often we don't even know the person personally, or if we do, maybe we wouldn't want them to know we are channeling them, lest they think us creepy or wierd. Many times we don't know what they would really do but imagination is a pretty powerful tool and sometimes just by imagining something you can find an answer.

I am willing to lay myself on the line here and admit to having a style crush on a friend. Some people just seem to be born with an innate sense of style, elegant and always right for the occassion, and always age appropriate. I, however, I was born with a totally schizophrenic style sense, never able to decide what I like, going through the complete spectrum of outfits, sometimes dressing too old, sometimes dressing too young, sometimes wearing it all at once. I think I have unsuccessfully tried just about every fashion and fad throughout my life. About a year ago I got sick and tired of my wardrobe and feeling like I was always getting it wrong so I started asking myself "is this something Soandso would wear, and what would she wear it with?" before every purchase I made. That I'm aware of this person doesn't know I do this, and I wouldn't tell her because I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable (or think I was creepy and wierd), but unknowingly she has really helped me out. I can't say I am now getting it right all the time but I do now have a better focus when I'm out shopping, because frankly, the choice is so overwhelming it's no wonder I was getting it wrong alot of the time. Once I started doing this I noticed other people who "fit" the look I was trying to get. And now I have a number of style "idols" I draw on when I'm out shopping.

Let me just clear something up right now. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but blatant copying other people is tantamount to not only social death but complete loss of your true self, which doesn't help in your quest to find yourself and who YOU are. At the furthest end of the scale you also have stalking which is just plain scary. I am not talking about copying or stalking here. I'm talking about being inspired by people. I wouldn't go out and buy the same top as my style crush for instance (we have a different body type so I would look like a knob in it anyway), just trying to give myself a sense of direction. A psychological style sat nav if you will.

I am like an information sponge but I think more than that I like to soak up other people. Most of the people in my life are idols in some way, because they all have certain points or traits which I admire. You can find something great in everyone, if you know what you think is great you can find it in people. I think we all (quite often unconciously) emulate people we spend time with, particularly if we admire them. I don't think it's necessarily genetics that are to blame for us ending up like our parents...

When I started this blog post (this morning, while battling screaming kids and mounds of mushed up Shreddies on the kitchen floor) I was mainly thinking about the writer Gretchen Rubin. I have mentioned her before in a blog post, I won't go into it too much now but I recently read a book she has written called "The Happiness Project" where she sets herself resolutions to live by with the goal of increasing her daily happiness. It's a fantastic book and if you want to know more you can check out her blog at http://www.happiness-project.com/. The point is, she really inspired me. And it got me thinking about all the people in my life who have inspired me, pretty much everyone I have ever met has given me something I could learn from, often an impulse to do something or change something I don't like. Once I started thinking about it I starting seeing inspirational people everywhere, and this was just in the space of a few hours. Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave doing the longest ever radio show on Radio 1 (donate to their plight by texting "Chris" to 70011), that's pretty inspiring. Not only have they inspired people to donate just by texting in, but I bet lots of people have decided to do things not only for Comic Relief but for other charities, after thinking about those guys. Our kids, our families, our friends, writers, artists, celebrities... they all help in our quest to do better, be better and find answers.

Gossip Girl...

Why do we all love to gossip so much? Come on admit it, even you men (in fact you're often worse than us women!). 

I personally find gossiping quite an uncomfortable pastime. I feel bad about talking about someone when they're not there, even complimentary things (although I do have an over active guilt reflex instilled in me as a child, that prohibits me from doing anything hurtful towards others, lest I spend the rest of my life feeling bad about it - and believe me in 33 years I have built up quite an impressive bank of things to feel bad about), because I can't bear the thought of being the cause of any hurt or upset. The only person I can really let loose and have an enjoyable gossip with is my bloke because we're so close it's like talking to myself. So doesn't actually count as gossiping, in my book anyway. And, that I can remember, we have never really discussed any of the malicious stuff (some people would call it juicy) anyway. I never discuss other peoples secrets (in fact I often avoid hearing them in the first place, because frankly I don't have enough space in my already guilt ridden psyche to carry around other peoples skeletons).

Gossiping has become much more intelligent and accessible these days. Not to mention dangerous. When I was a kid, it was whispered rumours and scratched in graffiti on desks that took at least one double PE lesson to get around, these days with Facebook and Twitter a rumour can be out there and doing damage in a matter of seconds. There is also that gossip website that was in the news recently, basically an online hurt book where kids can post rumours and gossip about other kids at their school. The idea actually leaves me cold at the thought of the number of people being hurt by that. And it's not just the school kids, we are all at it. We may not all gossip about real people (although if we're honest, most of us do at some stage) but how many of us buy those celeb magazines? Come on, if you're not going to admit to buying them yourself at least admit to having a sneaky peak at your girlfriends/wives/friends/doctors surgery copy (although the latter so out of date it's hardly worth it).

Why do we all love the gossip? As far as celebrity gossip is concerned, I do think there is a sense of living vicariously, it is an escape from the often banality of our lives, we think we are getting a piece of the rich life through them. The media is guilty of building them up then revels in watching them fall. But we play our part in it by (however secretly) enjoying the circus.

And why do some people seem to attract so much more of it? Because I'm sure there are a lot of "celebs" out there acting scandalously but they don't attract half as many column inches as people like, say, Jordan and Kerry? Are they more interesting than the others? And why is it that the celebs we love to gossip about seem to always be the most hated ones? It doesn't make any sense to me.

But local gossip? I don't really get the attraction. Especially if it's about someone I don't know very well (if at all) and don't give a shit about. In my research for this blog post, one theory that repeatedly crops up is the idea that gossiping helps establish a social pecking order, the people at the top (the gossipers) gossiping about those at the bottom (the gossipees). That doesn't say much about me, given that I have always been more of a gossipee than a gossiper.

We've all been the subject of rumour and gossip at some stage. What can begin as a harmless conversation can easily get out of hand and turn into a full on bitch fest. Malicious gossip could, I suppose, be considered a form of bullying. That word crops up a lot in our lives these days I know, but the effects of gossip and rumour can be totally devastating. One look at a newspaper you can find stories of children committing suicide after things that have been said about them on Facebook or a text message viral.

Thankfully for most of us, me included, gossip and rumour is actually harmless. In fact, as devastating as it felt at the time, I couldn't help but feeling a little bit cool that people actually thought I was interesting enough to talk about. God knows why they did, but I was so uncool that I wasn't going to correct people when they actually thought I might be interesting enough to be the subject of their conversation, however untrue the rumours may have been. The sad thing is, it can take a lifetime to live down negative and untrue gossip. I'm sure some of those kids at school, who I haven't even seen since and know nothing about me (and didn't actually know me or anything about me then either), would still think of me as I was rumoured to be, and I'm sure I am guilty of feeling the same about some of them.

But gossiping does not have to be negative or untrue. I heard on the grapevine that the headteacher of the local primary school had done all sorts of fantastic fundraising for the school. I had no idea whether it was true or not but when it came time to do my sons primary school application? I knew who I wanted to be teaching MY son.

That's partly my problem with gossip, right or wrong, good or bad, it shapes opinions. People pass judgement on others based on gossip, when judgement should, morally speaking, be made on fact and all the facts alone.

I think in this new intelligent gossip age we all have a responsibility to be careful about who we gossip about, who we gossip to and what we say. I would like to think I act fairly responsibly as far as my blog is concerned, I never ever use peoples actual names, and would never ever ever knowingly use my position to reveal scandal, or discuss anything hurtful. So those of you worried about conversations "popping up" in my blog can rest assured that you will remain anonymous and the conversation would only be discussed in the first place if it was considered appropriate and not gossipy!

But in my private life, as much as I would prefer not to consider myself a gossip, I expect I do do it more than I will admit to myself. But now I have worked on this piece, maybe I'll be more aware of it and change my behaviour.

Are you a gossiper or a gossipee? Or do you keep yourself pretty much out of all of it? Is that even possible?

XOXO!

Out with the old, in with the new?

There is such a thrill about having something new. Getting that shiny new telly out of the box, taking the tags off those pristine new clothes, discovering another person through those all consuming first few months of a new relationship, and the ultimate in newness, a new baby. Old stuff gets a bit tired. You've seen it day in day out for months, years even, and there's no mystery around it anymore. You've seen it from every angle, in light and in shade. The telly turns out to just be a telly, same as any other. Those features you thought were so exciting to begin with soon become the norm and you're craving the next best thing. The clothes you were so exhilarated by when they were in the shop become worn, or worse still unworn, a constant guilt trip of money wastage every time you open your wardrobe, "I've got nothing to wear!" you wail, but it's not that, you just want something new. The relationship gets kind of comfortable, nothing exciting seems to happen anymore, you're living the happily ever after. They don't tell you what happens after the happily ever after because as much as it was filled with mystery and intrigue at the beginning, quite frankly, it's not usually very exciting as time goes on. And those adorable little exciting bundles? Well, more often than not they grow up to be little shits (although we can live vicariously through their excitement and discovery).

Sometimes moving on and getting new things is unavoidable, but sometimes we choose to waste something that is, other than us becoming bored with it, perfectly good.

We have long been told we are throwing too much away. We are a generation of waste. The new telly, the new clothes, we don't always appreciate the things that still work, still look good or do the job because we are too busy thinking about the shiny new stuff we could get. Oooh, that's new, it must be better than my old one. We're like a bunch of magpies constantly searching for shiny things. But is this right? The fact is, we all love a good purge and replace, it's refreshing to be around new and different things.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why so many marriages aren't lasting these days? People want the excitement of a new relationship, or to escape the boredom of the old. But really, what's the point? It's very likely that the excitement and spontaneity of that new relationship will at some point get just as dulled as in the previous one, and you end up just where you were in the first place, same set of circumstances, just with a different person. Very often, particularly with human beings, just when you think you know someone, they go and do something exciting. Maybe this isn't the case with old or broken technical equipment (although I do think that as time goes on that will change, look at our current obsession with retro this that and the other) but with clothes you can customise, or wear it in a different way, but the fact is, so often it's down to YOU to make it exciting again. And it often just seems too much like hard work when you could just go and get something new. But this just adds to the ever growing amount of waste in our lives. We are being suffocated by landfill, devastated by waste, our obsession with the new and dealing with the fallout is slowly squeezing the life out of us.

Previous generations were wise with their old adage "make do and mend". I always thought this was about saving money. But I have come to realise it's more about preventing waste and making the most of the things we have. If we're constantly searching for the next best thing we will never ever find satisfaction and fulfillment. Old things may not be exciting, but there can be comfort in things that are old, security in familiarity and satisfaction in making things work, be they old tellies or tired relationships.

Besides, by it's very nature, excitement is only fleeting. And to be honest, being in a constant state of excitement is exhausting and irritating for all around (just ask my 4 year old).

Honesty the best policy Vs. some things better left unsaid

I was born with a compulsive need to tell the truth. When asked a question it almost spews from me so uncontrollably that I've said something before I've even had a chance to think it through. I can't tell you how many times I've been left not listening but nodding along to a conversation while trying to keep up with my internal monologue of "You complete fuck wit, what did you say THAT for? You should have just lied." Great for my parents when I was a rebelious teenager, not so great for me as it seemed like I was constantly in trouble or upsetting someone. But I always believed that people knowing the truth was a lot better than being a liar. As a teenager, I even declared in the front of my diary "Do Not Read This. If You Do Read It And Don't Like What You Read Tough Shit You Shouldn't Have Read It." What a delightful young girl I was, no, really.

I'm not sure why I'm this way. Partly I think its becasue I have seen a lot of pain caused by lies. Partly its because my mum always told me honesty was the best policy and deep down I'm a good girl who wants to do as she's told, not to mention my other compulsive need to please people, but that's a whole nother blog post. Despite all this, as I get older I am coming to realise that maybe some things really are better left unsaid.

We all tell tiny white lies to be polite: "What a cute baby" (actually it looks like a chewed up toffee), "You look well" (I always feel like this translates to "you look like you've been treating yourself to too many takeaways" but I may be wrong) and millions of other niceties we use to be polite. You can totally shoot yourself in the foot by telling polite white lies: "What an interesting sounding job, tell me more" (Oh bollocks, why did I say that? Now I'm going to be sitting here listening to the ins and outs of his boring job when I could be replaying the latest episode of The Real Housewives of OC in my head).

Sometimes we ask questions that we don't really want to know the answer to and we force people into lying to us: "Is that girl prettier than me?" and the ultimate "Do I look fat in this?"

Sometimes we tell a white lie to protect someones feelings then, because we feel we might not be being completely true, we add a back up statement. "Yes it's a lovely top/dress/shoes. Not something I'd wear myself though." Which I'm not sure actually makes that much sense and think may be more of an underhand put down than telling the truth in the first place.

Most of us tell lies every day, especially to our kids: "Yep we'll be there in 5 minutes" (when actually its at least half an hour away), "no you wouldn't like this cream cake its made from cheese and you don't like cheese do you?" And my personal favourite: "playing with your winky will make it fall off".

But let's be honest here, seeing as we're talking about honesty, none of those little niceties really matter. Being polite is just curteous and helps maintain the status quo but what if it's something you feel is important?


I can name a number of situations, usually between friends, where one person feels the other person needs to know that they are not happy about something that has been said or done. This is a tricky situation. Things are said. Feelings are hurt. And sometimes friendships have been destroyed by what at the beginning was a simple clash of principles (let's face it, everyone is different and if we were all the same we would be bored). Should you speak up if you disagree with something someone has done, even if it has nothing to do with you? What if they have said something that has hurt your feelings?

I used to think yes, in particular if it's someone you love you should tell the truth, get it out there and have a grown up discussion about it. Try and resolve it. But sometimes in life things just can't be resolved. Things can't be undone and actually talking about it just creates momentum behind something that might not have really bothered you in the first place or at least after a few weeks of things settling down. My new rules are to ask myself: Does that thing that you have a problem with really affect YOU? And if so how much? Enough to hurt someones feelings? Enough to destroy a friendship or at the very least cause weeks of potential stress and upset? Nope, I have learned the hard way that some things really are better left unsaid.

I'm not going to change the habit of a lifetime and start lying all over the place, so those of you that know me can feel safe in the knowledge that more or less, what you see is what you get and I will continue to spew forth random truths that have no real place being anywhere other than inside my head, but I am certainly going to try to think before I speak and try and decide whether or not telling the truth is really worth it.

What does everyone else think?

Aspirational Living

Hands up if you have ever watched a telly programme or seen a magazine advert and thought "I wish I had that life". I would expect to see all hands up right now and if you haven't well, you're either already living your best life (congratulations) or you have no hands.

These days we have what we should be, wear, own, and do rammed down our throats and we all aspire to this model of what we are told is a perfect life. But does it really matter whether our sitting room looks like page 27 of the Next catalogue, or we have the "stuff"? How many of us really, honestly, care? We're told we should, so we kinda do.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with aspiring to have "stuff" and if that is really genuinely what you want that's great, go for it. But I think if we looked deep inside ourselves we would all find something different to aspire to. Something that really matters to us personally. I'm having that all too common getting older grief for things that I will never do. I'll never be a supermodel. I'll never be the youngest person to swim the channel. I'll never be 6 foot tall with a rock hard body. I'll never be that person with the perfectly tidy house, because frankly, I'm messy. But I never actually wanted any of these things. It was just always comforting to know that it could happen, one day when I was grown up. Well, reality check, BING , you are now officially, can't hide from it, a grown up. So what do you really want? You do know what it is. It's those little thoughts you have in those oh so rare moments of peace and quiet, those dreams that have followed you since childhood and never wavered. Those niggling feelings you get when you wake up in the morning and somewhere in your brain a little voice says "I wish I could be doing XYZ today" For so long I haven't been doing what I really wanted to do because I have let life take over. "I haven't got time" I say, "there isn't enough money to do that" I wail, but the real truth? Fear.

Fear is a great little tool when you're trying to save yourself from say, a wild elephant stampede or not walking down dark streets alone at night or other things that we don't do to keep ourselves safe, because but why do we let it stop us from doing things that we really should be doing? I read somewhere:

What would you do if you weren't scared?

I'd like to modify that slightly:

What would you do if you weren't scared/thought you didn't have enough time/didn't think you were good enough?

Fear, time, whatever, they shouldn't be a good excuse. And not thinking you're good enough certainly is not. Because what are we actually scared of? Failure? Is failure really an option? If you do something you believe it and it doesn't work out does that mean you've failed? Or just that it didn't work? They are two very different things. Besides, trying something and failing is far better than not trying at all.

One of my old boyfriends had a poster in his room of a rock climber, it said "Face your fears, live your dreams". I must have laid in that bed looking at that poster for hours, I loved that phrase, I loved it so much I was thinking of getting it tattooed on me (I didn't, too scared). That was 13 years ago. Have I really faced my fears and lived my dreams? I've faced a lot of my fears, and lived some of my dreams but I have still got that niggling feeling that I should be doing more. I have so many ideas of new things to try and experiences to have but before I even try them out loud a little voice in my head always shoots me down: "Just who do you think you are? You couldn't do THAT".

But surely everyone is scared? No one ever achieved anything without a little bit of fear pushing them on. Think of someone you think is successful, were they scared? Did they give in to the fear?

Its not just about careers (although that's the biggie). It can be about tiny things, about learning a new skill, visiting that friend you haven't seen for ages because they live so far away or even just picking up the phone and giving them a call, just doing something you know you want to do but something has always stopped you, fear, time, thinking you're too busy, whatever. Don't wait, it's not going to get any easier, you're never going to have more time, it doesn't need months of research to take the first step. I'm doing it with this blog. This is my first step and it's scary but I love it. Every day is a new life.

I've just got back from visiting one of my very closest friends who is running a pub with her boyfriend, it's not just a job, it's a whole new life. She and her boyfriend are absolutely fantastic at what they do, but that must have taken some serious balls to decide "right this is what we want to do and we're doing it". That's pretty inspiring.

It seemed so much easier when I was a twenty year old with no idea what the future would hold. I made the decision to do something and I did it. Uni, living abroad, whatever, why do we get so much more scared when we get older? We have a wealth of life experience to draw on, to say nothing of more responsibilities. We should be LESS scared. But as we get older we put ourselves into little boxes of who we tell oursleves we are but are we really that person? And as the box gets smaller and smaller believe me, you will start to feel claustrophobic.

So support your friends and loved ones to follow their dreams. Encourage them, help them, believe in them. Ask them to believe in you. And if they can't or they won't? Believe in yourself. Because I do.

Freud and The Interpretation of Dreams (which is a far more intellectual title than this piece quite deserves but might pull in a few of you bookish types)

I was discussing my over active imagination (the fact that I spend much of my waking day worrying myself sick and having random thoughts that come out of nowhere and make me question what kind of a person I actually am) and vivid dreams (hideous nightmares that leave me scared to go to sleep) with a friend and we agreed that watching too many horror films probably causes most of it. The fact that I'm am borderline crazy probably being the root of the rest. So I've been trying not to watch any scary stuff on telly, read about it or hear about it and in general shield myself from anything other than raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens and other fluffy crap.

I love horror films. I really like being scared but in a controlled way. I think that's because I spend much of my life worrying about real life stuff its nice to be scared about something I don't actually NEED to be scared of. I have had the whole spectrum of nightmare genres this week: slasher/zombie gore (serious blood bath), Armageddon style end of the world (that one had some seriously good special effects), thriller (a riveting story which might make a good book) and finally, other half getting involved with a dodgy gang who wanted to kill me and the kids as pay back for other half not sticking to his side of the bargain, I left with the boys and they were all chasing us (this one probably the most sinister and chilling, dreams like this make you feel like you can't quite trust him for the rest of the day but you can't actually get away with being cross with him, bastard). But even though I have been trying to avoid dodgy stuff, most of the stories behind my nightmares could easily be seen or at least mentioned on the news, Wii or Xbox games or even family films. How do you avoid everything that might cause a bad dream?

Anyway, my friend reckons dreams are a manifestation of issues people have in their lives and can tell us things about ourselves. This is more or less what Freud thought (although he also said that most of those issues were sexual, not quite sure what he'd make of my random mixed bag of dreams and don't think I'd want to). I've just been on dreammoods.com and checked out some of my nightmares last week, they all say feeling overwhelmed, out of control and insecure. Nice, but nothing new as far as I'm concerned. I've been feeling overwhelmed, out of control and insecure pretty much my entire life, what made last week any different?

Well, last week I heard about the most recent threat on our security as a planet, a solar storm. I was picturing big fireballs blasting into the earth knocking earth off its axis and causing extinction of the human race (and, funnily enough, this was exactly what I dreamed about), I watched an episode of Being Human in which there was a girl zombie (also one of the kids on Neighbours was playing a zombie game), and I watched an episode of Neighbours where a mechanic was doing dodgy deals with a bunch of gangsters, hmmm, ring any bells? And yes OK, I watch a lot of Neighbours, I like it, alright? But given that it seems to have been the root cause of two nightmares this week I may have to limit my night time viewing of it. At this rate I'm going to be stuck sat watching Peppa Pig in the evenings and not getting to watch anything good. Although I wouldn't put it past my brain to find something scary and sinister about Peppa. Come to think of it that Mrs Rabbit must be some kind of gangster, she seems to run every business in town. Anyway...

I really don't know whether or not dreams really do mean anything. When I was growing up my Dad swore he had never had a dream in his life. Didn't know how it felt or even understood the concept of a dream because he'd never remembered one. I always thought he was missing out (although this last week I would give anything for a dreamless sleep, I'm bloody knackered). It begs the question whether or not he did dream but just didn't remember them. But if that's the case, what's the point in having dreams if you're not going to remember them? Does our subconscious somehow work through issues while we are asleep and entirely unaware? How would that actually help? Surprisingly enough, I'm not actually a neuro-scientist so I wouldn't know the science behind it, and I'm not sure I'm clever enough to understand it even if I tried.

What if someone who previously never dreamed suddenly starts remembering their dreams? Does that mean they now have "issues"? Sorry, Freud, I just don't buy it.

So do you remember your dreams? Do you think they tell you something about yourself or just a jumbled up mess of crap that you have seen during the day? Is there anyone out there reading this that understands "the science bit" and can explain it in a way that an overwhelmed, out of control and insecure person with severe baby brain could understand?

Rant and polite request

Call me over sensitive but going around trying to be happier doesn't half make you realise what a bunch of miserable bastards everyone else is.

I know times are tough right now, mass unemployment, faltering economy, threat of terrorist attack, wars, famines, floods, earthquakes... it makes for a scary and insecure world, but surely this is the time more than ever that we should all be pulling together and cheering each other up.

As a rule I'm am, and always have been, one of those people that really tries to be polite, sometimes almost over polite and over apologetic (which is probably quite annoying at times I admit). I'm the person that apologises when YOU tread on MY toe, I say sorry to supermarket staff when asking for help and I always smile when I catch someones eye (unless that person looks particularly scary).

Two things have happened recently that have really made me question what kind of "community" we live in. Last week I took the boys to McDonald's for dinner (don't judge me, it was a Friday afternoon, I'd had a hard week and my son had been begging me to go all week). I had done quite a bit of shopping that afternoon so my buggy was fully loaded with shopping, an 18 month old and a 4year old on a buggy board (yes I know, what a cliched McDonald's customer I am). I was so stressed and just get wanted to some food down the kids so we could get out of there that I forgot how loaded the buggy was. As soon as I tried to take little one out of the buggy it went over backwards and he ended up on the floor, standard comedy situation of tins of beans rolling all over the place and fruit being bruised while I was struggling trying to pick him and buggy up and save my shopping from being spread all over MacD's. Not ONE person offered to help me or even asked if I was OK. Everyone just stared. I can't tell you how shocked I was. I mean, if I had seen that I would have most definitely offered help, or are people simply scared of offering help these days in case they accidentally ask one of those "get out of my face whats your effing problem" people who seem to have a completely bizarre view on what is actually rude and what is considered polite ("You smiling at me yeah? Something funny is it? Rude bitch.").

The second thing that happened was I was reversing out of a parking space in Sainsbury's and almost ran over the trolley guy who was pushing a load of trolleys. He wasn't there when I started moving and I felt that he had not seen that I was moving and had almost pushed his trolleys into me, but he clearly thought it was my fault. But when I saw him I smiled and put my hand up and mouthed sorry but he walked away shouting and throwing his hands up. I had my 2 small kids in the car so didn't want to open the window to hear what he was actually saying but everyone was staring and he caused quite a scene. I was actually quite upset, not only because this guy was an employee of Sainsbury's (you almost expect it from most people these days) but because I had given him the benefit of the doubt so why couldn't he have done the same? I have almost been run over in car parks myself (I have been told I have a very poor spatial awareness maybe that explains why I keep almost running people over and almost getting run over myself but still no excuse for rudeness), I tend to apologise or at the very least smile and say don't worry about it, this was an actual employee of a company with whom I had just spent a lot of money, regardless of whose fault it was surely a bit of common courtesy is not too much to ask?

I know everyone has tough times, there are always people going through an even tougher time than others but still, everyone just seems to be so angry these days. At the risk of sounding ancient what is the world coming to? I can remember asking my grandma what do I do when I catch someones eye? She said you always, always smile. It puts people at ease, makes you feel good and above all it's polite. It's quite rare these days to get a smile back, why is this? I've got to be honest in that if someone looks as if they might take the smile the wrong way ("What you doing smiling at my boyfriend? You trying it on with him innit? Slag") I just look away, but surely I'm perpetuating this situation myself? Maybe I'm wrong, but since when did going through a tough time excuse bad behaviour? I'm sad to admit I have done it myself occasionally, I'm having a hard day, getting arsey with slow drivers or tutting and pushing past people who are meandering around the supermarket with clearly the whole day to spare when I am already late for picking up my son from preschool. But actually, is it their fault I'm late? Is it their fault I'm having a hard day? No. I recently had an experience of someone who always, always seemed to be angry, and looking for more excuses to be angry. Nothing anyone ever did was right, no one was having as much of a hard time, and frankly from where I was sitting this person made other peoples lives unhappy and did not seem to be having a good time themselves. I really don't get these people that seem to think its right that life should be/is miserable. Life's a bitch and then you die. Seriously what's that all about?

There often isn't anything you can do about your situation but we're all in this together, everyone has shit times, and sometimes a smile from a kind stranger can lift your spirits and make you feel all is not lost. So might I politely request that even if you don't feel happy, try to act happy, and you will make life much more pleasant for yourself and those around you.

Rant over.

All or nothing

dThis last week I have lost 2 days and 2 nights to being drunk/hungover. And not just being a bit merry, actually getting so drunk I can barely remember what I did (and definitely can't remember what I said), and then so hungover that I'm either still drunk in the morning (too drunk to drive my son to preschool so I had to walk, wearing sunglasses, trying not to puke... oh the shame of it) or so hungover that I can barely get dressed and no amount of Berocca, paracetamol or pints of water seems to help. That strikes me as being a tad excessive.

We are a generation of excess. We're fatter, lazier, smoke more, drink more, take more drugs, have more opportunities available to us, but according to previous generations we're less friendly and polite and generally more miserable. So why do we do it to ourselves?

Every time I try and cut back on the booze it gets to the time when the kids are in bed (wine o clock) and I just think "ooh just one cheeky little glass would be delicious right now" and if I have wine in the house its like its calling me, I have to drink it. It's not like an addiction, it more a compulsion. It's a way of treating myself, being a little bit naughty, rebelling even, and just because I've had a hard day and frankly, I deserve it.

Do we really deserve it? Any more than previous generations? Far be it from me to have a pop at "the media" but you can't move these days for adverts suggesting "treat yourself" and "you're worth it". But actually are any of these things really making us feel any better? Surely we're worth not doing these things, surely we deserve to feel the best we can?

When I'm drinking I KNOW I'm going to feel rough the next day. And the smoking, as a rule I don't smoke before 7pm but the last couple of weeks when stressed I have found myself popping out for one or two during the day. And literally the second I have the first drag and I get that delicious head rush, I also start to feel a bit sick, have a horrid taste in my mouth and about ten minutes later start to feel absolutely exhausted. I'm also far more stressed and pissed off afterwards not only because I feel rough but I feel kind of gross for doing it at all. It doesn't make me feel better, its not a treat, it makes me feel like crap so why do I do it? I can't even claim any kind of physical addiction, because I'm alot less stressed when I haven't smoked that day and am alot less pissy and cross without the fags. I never feel like I need a cigarette, I just want one, and I deserve to get what I want so I'm going to have it dammit. It's that compulsion over addiction thing again. And I know I should give up. And I've done that, but then I just feel all deprived and jealous when people around me are smoking (surely I deserve one too!).

I can say the same thing about diet. For most people, a sensible healthy diet with lots of fruit and veg actually does make you feel great! Full of energy and vitality. So why then do I feel deprived and like I am missing out on treats and "why do I have to do this, I've had a bad day surely I deserve a whole family pack of maltesers in the evening?" But that whole pack of maltesers is probably going to make me feel almost instantly sick, regretful and totally thwart my weight loss efforts for that week. Ridiculous.

Why are we programmed this way? So much stuff that makes us feel "good" in the short term makes us feel rubbish in the long term. And its pretty much all about consumption, we feel like we must consume things. But why must we feel we must consume to excess? Is life really that bad?

OK so everything in moderation is the key here. But I just can't do temperance. I'm basically an all or nothing kind of girl. If I'm drinking I'm drinking every night, if I'm smoking I'm smoking a lot, if I'm eating one malteser I'm eating the whole bag. I find it much easier to completely avoid something than to have just one glass, or just a few maltesers.
 
Is it just me that is like this? Is temperance something that comes with maturity and wisdom? Am I basically just being childish here? Possibly. And now I've written this I really feel like I want a fag (but I'm not going to have one, maybe just a malteser or two, surely I deserve a little treat...)

Happiness...

Should we aspire to constant happiness or does having periods of unhappiness make us more appreciative of the good times?

So a few things have happened over the last few weeks that have got me thinking about happiness (be aware I have often been accused of being an over-thinker - in fact I accuse myself of it on pretty much a daily basis). So anyway, in my opinion, a rich, full life has ups and downs and as long as things start to go back up after a down period I think you're doing quite well. But there seems to be quite a few people in the downward shift at the moment, myself included, and when things aren't going well I do find I can get totally bogged down in the negative. I get stuck in the slumps. Sometimes I actually think myself into being depressed, anxious and generally fuck myself over but then eventually, and with a bit of dedication, I can usually find a positive somewhere to cling on to and that often starts the process of pulling myself out. I'm really aware of this about myself (because I'm an over thinker) but I actually think that everyone does it to some extent. So as well as being able to make ourselves miserable we also have the capacity to think ourselves into happiness (aren't human beings amazing? Surely life would be much easier as a fish, or, like, a cat or something, I bet they don't have to deal with or even think about all this shit...
Cat: "Oh look my bowl has food in it again. Oh look my bowl is empty"
and Fish: "Oh look! Is this stone food? Nope, its just a stone. Oh look, is this stone food? Nope, its just a stone. Oh look...!"
What an easy life! Anyway, I digress again sorry).

It takes time to get ourselves happy again but the fact is we usually do. So should we try and do that all the time? I have been reading a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben, a writer who, by her own admission, had pretty much everything she could want but felt she still wasn't quite happy enough. So she embarked on a year long quest to try and up her happiness levels by having a series of resolutions geared towards making the best out of her life. Quite interesting and where I'm at now in the book it does seem to be working.

In the last couple of weeks I have had a course of Bowen treatment (a way of realigning the body to treat backache and other issues) and the therapist is one of those intensely happy people. I mean, I like to think of myself as pretty happy go lucky, you know, chirpy; but this woman takes happiness to a whole new level. As soon as you walk in the room she is grinning from ear to ear and positively exudes happiness from every pore of her being. I really liked her. I wish I could be like that (although I do think I am probably annoying enough to a lot of people and I know that as much as I love overly happy people, as many people do, certain other people find them bloody annoying, although to be fair those people are usually miserable bastards, but I'm getting off topic again here). There's something about happy people that draws you in (and the skeptics among you will say maybe that's how she got me to spend £45 a session on a treatment where she spends alot of time out of the room). So I get the impression she is a hardcore positive thinker. I mean, I honestly can't imagine this woman to ever have had a negative thought. I'm sure she has her ups and downs the same as everyone else but it does seem as if she has chosen to be happy and be positive. I think she could put a positive spin on any situation:
"Honey, I need to speak to you."
"Ooh how exciting, do tell."
"Well the thing is I've sort of been having an affair."
"Darling thats wonderful, at least one of us is getting some sex."

Obviously that is an entirely made up situation. But wouldn't it be great to be like that? Or not? Should we aspire to that constant happiness or should we take the rough with the smooth? Does being miserable make you appreciate the happy times more, or does happy breed more happy (much in the same way as negative seems to breed more negative). My argument is sometimes when things are really shit its so bloody hard to be happy, to find a positive, and when its taking all you've got just to get through the day surely trying to be happy as well is just too much effort? But then does positive thinking become a habit, easier over time, until its just second nature? Something the therapist said last night got me thinking. She said its important to replace the negative (as in different aches and pains I've been getting) with something positive. If you leave a hole there it can easily get filled with negativity again. Ok its easy to scoff at that kind of notion but when you think about it it kind of makes alot of sense. Replace the negative with the positive and gradually build yourself up to being a tower of positivity. So this morning I have been trying to notice when I have negative thoughts and replace them with a positive. And you know what? It's kind of nice. I don't know how real it is but then who wants real when you can have nice, and happy? I'll take fake and happy any day. Maybe that makes me an osterich with my head in the sand but hey, that's just your negative take on the situation.

Any thoughts anyone?

Happy endings?

Well I'm on day 2 of my quest to just to write, write and write some more and have got about 1200 words into a little short story which I'm quite enjoying (I may or may not post it at some stage depending on how brave I get!).

One of the things that has become apparent to me over the years of attempting to write is that I come up with great opening paragraphs, I know how to get people hooked into a story but then it often fizzles out as I don't really know where to go with it. One of the ways of the suggested ways of combatting this is to write the end first, or write the middle first so I know where to fill in the blanks. Good idea.

So I am now considering writing the ending of my story so I know where its headed, but as with all stories there are a number of potential outcomes. One of the reasons I love childrens novels is the simplicity of them, more often than not all of the themes are tied up by the end of the book, usually happy. Good tends to win over evil, and you know exactly where you are leaving the characters - usually happy, fufilled, safe and loved. I get a great deal of satisfaction from these kinds of stories, I like it when everything turns out right.

I do find "grown-up" books (and films) can often  leave things unresolved or with an un-happy ending, all very artistic and cultured and probably a bit more realistic I'm sure, but it leaves me feeling a bit cheated.

I think books/films/stories are meant to be an escape from daily life. Some people like to be frightened, some like to be titilated and others like to be made to laugh or cry but I think the common denominator is looking for adventure or fantasy within the comfort of our own homes. And although I enjoy the sad or confusing moments during the story, I really don't enjoy being left confused or sad at the end of it. It kind of negates the whole point of reading in the first place. I like to be left with that warm fuzzy feeling that you get from a nice happy ending!

This is what I like, but if I were to spend all my time writing just what I want to read I may end up with little or no audience! So in trying to get some insight into the kind of things real people want to read, I'd like to invite you to comment on what kind of ending you like? Happy or sad, resolved or unresolved? If you feel you don't want to elaborate, one word answers is fine. Although elaboration is also very welcome! This might help me decide on what ending I should use for my story.

And also I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has read my first post and been so supportive on FB, I really hope you will continue to follow me (you can click become a follower to the right of this page). xxx