Shark infested waters

So I dipped my toe back into the world of internet dating on Sunday and already I feel like I am drowning. Never mind plenty of fish, I feel like the sharks are circling and I am trapped in deep water. Internet dating is meant to be fun but it has got like work, and you don’t even get paid danger money for repeatedly putting yourself in the line of fire.

I am busy enough, day to day, without having to deal with millions of new messages from guys that frankly I don’t know from Adam, could be lying fuckwits (believe me there are plenty of them out there), rapists or worse. I have to admit that even my “expect the best of people” mantra has taken rather a beating in the last few months… shock horror, could I be getting cynical?

I have gone on quite a journey recently, from the excitement of having a Carrie Bradshaw style dating experience (sorely disappointed) to having a whirlwind two week long relationship, to a slightly more stable but far less emotionally successful two monther. I am now full circle again, and possibly feeling what I should have felt in those early days after the split; pensive, reflective and realising I am nowhere near ready to dedicate my life to anyone else.

I read somewhere that you need to allow yourself in months, the number of years a relationship has lasted, in order to be healed and emotionally ready to start again. So that means I still have another six months left before I have endured the allotted time to get over the breakdown of my family. And after months of fighting it, I now finally see that they were right. You can’t just get over a twelve year relationship and fourteen year friendship by saying “I will be positive”. That helps with the day to day stuff, means that you can get through your sentencing with a smile on your face, and actually enjoy the period of rediscovery, but time is far more important. It’s funny how we all moan that we don’t have enough time, but when you are waiting for time to heal, it stretches ahead of you like purgatory.

Ready or not, internet dating may not be the way for me to meet Mr Right anyway. When you are newly single and still reeling from the shock, it’s like having a massive bit of dust in your eye, your vision is compromised and you have no idea what you want or who you are even. And whether you want to admit it or not (and I don’t) you are vulnerable, and will be for some time. There are plenty of vultures out there just waiting to pick through the remains of your former self, lurking not only in the shadows of dating websites but all around, and you are ripe for being taken advantage of. I know that this has happened to me (thankfully I have been smart enough not to get too deeply involved) and in my weakened state I have opened myself up to more heartache than I ever would under normal circumstances. But this realisation has made it far easier for me to spot the sharks and the vultures and protect myself and my family as much as I can from future pain.

The other day, while I was frantically replying to just another one of the ten messages I get a day from the dating website (I always reply, even to say thanks but no thanks, because I’m polite like that, if someone offered to buy you a drink in a bar you wouldn’t just ignore them and walk away would you? That’s just rude), someone asked me what drove me onto the dating websites so soon after the split. I ran through all my stock replies I have used over the last few months, the excitement, wanting to get dressed up and feel glamorous, to boost my confidence, find “the one” etc but I finally answered honestly. I’m not looking for someone to plug a hole in my social life, and I’m not looking for someone to talk to at the end of the day. I’m looking for the security that you can only get from being with someone for years and years, the comfort of cuddling up to them in bed, knowing that they will be there to share with you in your good times, and comfort you in your times of fear, knowing that they will never, ever hurt you and you can trust them with your life.

But as I said to many newly single people when I was old and partnered off, fully believing that I had found my Mr Right and that I would never, ever be in their position myself, you have to become a whole person again before you are ready to be half of a couple. And maybe I am just realising that this is my time to take my own advice and become whole again.

Incidentally I am not doing the internet dating thing anymore. If and when I am ready to find someone I might return to the shark infested waters, but for now I am happy as I am, safely ensconced in the lifeboat that is my children, my family and my friends.

The Hangover

Sometimes I love a drink. But after one drink it is harder to turn down the second, and after the second it’s harder to turn down the third. And before I know it I’m drinking shots, spilling my drinks all over the place and flashing my tits at passers by. Somewhere in the back of my mind is a little voice saying “this isn’t right, you’re gonna regret this” but I tell myself that I have reached a point of no return, and I’m having too much of a good time to stop. And I will usually continue until I run out of cash, the bar stops serving me or I throw up (I have even been known to continue drinking after throwing up in the name of powering through). I will think about the repercussions tomorrow when my head is banging out of my ear holes and I can’t keep any food down (except McDonalds).

Hangovers are just another proof to the Law of Cause and Effect, every action has a reaction. And really a hangover is not just something you get after a night on the sauce. Hangovers come in different guises, sometimes called repercussions, sometimes called rewards. We often only have a split second to decide whether or not it’s worth the fall out. Either way, that moment is there, we are standing at the crossroads and have a choice to make, water or wine, hangover or headache free.

I have recently discovered that I have got a stress related ulcer. This isn’t something that just happened by coincidence, this was caused by being under stress and my response to that stress. It is a painful daily reminder that I should have managed my stress levels better. I have a stress hangover.

But now that I have this hangover do I have to live with it for the rest of my life or can I do something to change it? Is there such a thing as a point of no return? Are the choices we make set in stone, if we have had a few drinks, got stressed, whatever, can we turn it around and make it all better? I believe we can, we can use cause and effect in a positive way. I am now looking after myself, having treatment and hopefully the ulcer will retreat into a painful memory.

The beauty of the Law of Cause and Effect is that it is endless. You can have a few drinks, get really drunk, and have a hangover. The next day you can take some painkillers to take the edge off your headache, apologise to people you pissed off, untag the unflattering pictures of yourself on Facebook and move on. The hangover may remain for a few days, and you’ve learned your lesson that Jegermeister is not good for you, but it could have been worse if you hadn’t stopped drinking when you did. You don’t have to carry on the same path.

It’s like being on a dual carriageway and missing your exit. You can’t actually turn around where you are but you can wait until the next exit and get off. Yes it may have increased your journey time, even made you so late that you have missed your appointment, but that doesn’t mean you should then keep driving all the way to Scotland.

This is what I try to tell myself when I’m having a drink, just because I’m a bit merry and am going to have a hangover, it does not mean I should continue drinking until I pass out. Because the more I push past that little voice saying “Stop now!” the repercussions will be worse and I will be spending longer in recovery.

The road our lives take is purely down to the decisions we make, a hangover is the universe telling us that we have taken a wrong turn somewhere down the line, and it's our job to find our way back. And despite there being any number of un-measurable factors, as long as we take control of our own path we can always turn around at the next junction. Maybe we will be a little late, and maybe we will have a bit of a headache, but free will means that how late we are, and the size of our headache, is dictated by ourselves.