Idols, Gurus and Eric Cantona

Some people I know are so self assured. They know exactly who and what they are. I don't know who I am. I have (and will probably continue to) spend my life trying to answer the constantly nagging questions "who are you, what are you, why are you here, and just WTF are you doing?" Sometimes I think it must be so much easier to be one of those people who live without the constant chatter of questions, enquiring, pushing me to find answers. Frankly it's quite exhausting. But at the same time, looking for the answers means I'm constantly striving, and it's the times when I have given up on the striving that I have been at my lowest points, and the times when I'm looking for answers that I feel a sense of fulfilment. 

I wonder how these people know the answers? How do they have this peace within them? Would those who believe in reincarnation think these people have been reincarnated so many times they have answered all the questions? And those of us still stuck in the investigative phase are all newbies?

Last night, for want of anything better to watch, the man and me watched a film called Looking for Eric. It's about a down and out guy who has pretty much zero self confidence and his life is looking pretty bleak, until his idol Eric Cantona appears to him and starts coaching him in the ways of the world, and very quickly his life is turned around. It turned out to be a pretty good film.

For some people, life seems so easy, they just get on with it, get through life without the endless questions and analysis. But for the rest of us, frantically zigzagging through life, trying to make sense of it all, we need a bit of help. And we often find help in other people, idols, gurus, whatever you want to call them, people who inspire us. Just like the man in the film was inspired by Eric Cantona, by channelling or thinking about people we admire, we gain confidence and a focus.

How many people wear WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?) bracelets? You can now get bracelets asking "What Would insert the name of your idol here Do?" for pretty much anyone you can think of, now or in history.

Most of us don't actually know what we're doing in life, and many of us face situations daily where we simply don't know what to do. From the big questions: "Should I buy this house?"" Should I have a kid?" etc to the relatively small and seemingly unimportant "What should I wear today?" Asking ourselves "What would this person who we admire do?" can give a focus for our thoughts. Often we don't even know the person personally, or if we do, maybe we wouldn't want them to know we are channeling them, lest they think us creepy or wierd. Many times we don't know what they would really do but imagination is a pretty powerful tool and sometimes just by imagining something you can find an answer.

I am willing to lay myself on the line here and admit to having a style crush on a friend. Some people just seem to be born with an innate sense of style, elegant and always right for the occassion, and always age appropriate. I, however, I was born with a totally schizophrenic style sense, never able to decide what I like, going through the complete spectrum of outfits, sometimes dressing too old, sometimes dressing too young, sometimes wearing it all at once. I think I have unsuccessfully tried just about every fashion and fad throughout my life. About a year ago I got sick and tired of my wardrobe and feeling like I was always getting it wrong so I started asking myself "is this something Soandso would wear, and what would she wear it with?" before every purchase I made. That I'm aware of this person doesn't know I do this, and I wouldn't tell her because I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable (or think I was creepy and wierd), but unknowingly she has really helped me out. I can't say I am now getting it right all the time but I do now have a better focus when I'm out shopping, because frankly, the choice is so overwhelming it's no wonder I was getting it wrong alot of the time. Once I started doing this I noticed other people who "fit" the look I was trying to get. And now I have a number of style "idols" I draw on when I'm out shopping.

Let me just clear something up right now. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but blatant copying other people is tantamount to not only social death but complete loss of your true self, which doesn't help in your quest to find yourself and who YOU are. At the furthest end of the scale you also have stalking which is just plain scary. I am not talking about copying or stalking here. I'm talking about being inspired by people. I wouldn't go out and buy the same top as my style crush for instance (we have a different body type so I would look like a knob in it anyway), just trying to give myself a sense of direction. A psychological style sat nav if you will.

I am like an information sponge but I think more than that I like to soak up other people. Most of the people in my life are idols in some way, because they all have certain points or traits which I admire. You can find something great in everyone, if you know what you think is great you can find it in people. I think we all (quite often unconciously) emulate people we spend time with, particularly if we admire them. I don't think it's necessarily genetics that are to blame for us ending up like our parents...

When I started this blog post (this morning, while battling screaming kids and mounds of mushed up Shreddies on the kitchen floor) I was mainly thinking about the writer Gretchen Rubin. I have mentioned her before in a blog post, I won't go into it too much now but I recently read a book she has written called "The Happiness Project" where she sets herself resolutions to live by with the goal of increasing her daily happiness. It's a fantastic book and if you want to know more you can check out her blog at http://www.happiness-project.com/. The point is, she really inspired me. And it got me thinking about all the people in my life who have inspired me, pretty much everyone I have ever met has given me something I could learn from, often an impulse to do something or change something I don't like. Once I started thinking about it I starting seeing inspirational people everywhere, and this was just in the space of a few hours. Chris Moyles and Comedy Dave doing the longest ever radio show on Radio 1 (donate to their plight by texting "Chris" to 70011), that's pretty inspiring. Not only have they inspired people to donate just by texting in, but I bet lots of people have decided to do things not only for Comic Relief but for other charities, after thinking about those guys. Our kids, our families, our friends, writers, artists, celebrities... they all help in our quest to do better, be better and find answers.

Gossip Girl...

Why do we all love to gossip so much? Come on admit it, even you men (in fact you're often worse than us women!). 

I personally find gossiping quite an uncomfortable pastime. I feel bad about talking about someone when they're not there, even complimentary things (although I do have an over active guilt reflex instilled in me as a child, that prohibits me from doing anything hurtful towards others, lest I spend the rest of my life feeling bad about it - and believe me in 33 years I have built up quite an impressive bank of things to feel bad about), because I can't bear the thought of being the cause of any hurt or upset. The only person I can really let loose and have an enjoyable gossip with is my bloke because we're so close it's like talking to myself. So doesn't actually count as gossiping, in my book anyway. And, that I can remember, we have never really discussed any of the malicious stuff (some people would call it juicy) anyway. I never discuss other peoples secrets (in fact I often avoid hearing them in the first place, because frankly I don't have enough space in my already guilt ridden psyche to carry around other peoples skeletons).

Gossiping has become much more intelligent and accessible these days. Not to mention dangerous. When I was a kid, it was whispered rumours and scratched in graffiti on desks that took at least one double PE lesson to get around, these days with Facebook and Twitter a rumour can be out there and doing damage in a matter of seconds. There is also that gossip website that was in the news recently, basically an online hurt book where kids can post rumours and gossip about other kids at their school. The idea actually leaves me cold at the thought of the number of people being hurt by that. And it's not just the school kids, we are all at it. We may not all gossip about real people (although if we're honest, most of us do at some stage) but how many of us buy those celeb magazines? Come on, if you're not going to admit to buying them yourself at least admit to having a sneaky peak at your girlfriends/wives/friends/doctors surgery copy (although the latter so out of date it's hardly worth it).

Why do we all love the gossip? As far as celebrity gossip is concerned, I do think there is a sense of living vicariously, it is an escape from the often banality of our lives, we think we are getting a piece of the rich life through them. The media is guilty of building them up then revels in watching them fall. But we play our part in it by (however secretly) enjoying the circus.

And why do some people seem to attract so much more of it? Because I'm sure there are a lot of "celebs" out there acting scandalously but they don't attract half as many column inches as people like, say, Jordan and Kerry? Are they more interesting than the others? And why is it that the celebs we love to gossip about seem to always be the most hated ones? It doesn't make any sense to me.

But local gossip? I don't really get the attraction. Especially if it's about someone I don't know very well (if at all) and don't give a shit about. In my research for this blog post, one theory that repeatedly crops up is the idea that gossiping helps establish a social pecking order, the people at the top (the gossipers) gossiping about those at the bottom (the gossipees). That doesn't say much about me, given that I have always been more of a gossipee than a gossiper.

We've all been the subject of rumour and gossip at some stage. What can begin as a harmless conversation can easily get out of hand and turn into a full on bitch fest. Malicious gossip could, I suppose, be considered a form of bullying. That word crops up a lot in our lives these days I know, but the effects of gossip and rumour can be totally devastating. One look at a newspaper you can find stories of children committing suicide after things that have been said about them on Facebook or a text message viral.

Thankfully for most of us, me included, gossip and rumour is actually harmless. In fact, as devastating as it felt at the time, I couldn't help but feeling a little bit cool that people actually thought I was interesting enough to talk about. God knows why they did, but I was so uncool that I wasn't going to correct people when they actually thought I might be interesting enough to be the subject of their conversation, however untrue the rumours may have been. The sad thing is, it can take a lifetime to live down negative and untrue gossip. I'm sure some of those kids at school, who I haven't even seen since and know nothing about me (and didn't actually know me or anything about me then either), would still think of me as I was rumoured to be, and I'm sure I am guilty of feeling the same about some of them.

But gossiping does not have to be negative or untrue. I heard on the grapevine that the headteacher of the local primary school had done all sorts of fantastic fundraising for the school. I had no idea whether it was true or not but when it came time to do my sons primary school application? I knew who I wanted to be teaching MY son.

That's partly my problem with gossip, right or wrong, good or bad, it shapes opinions. People pass judgement on others based on gossip, when judgement should, morally speaking, be made on fact and all the facts alone.

I think in this new intelligent gossip age we all have a responsibility to be careful about who we gossip about, who we gossip to and what we say. I would like to think I act fairly responsibly as far as my blog is concerned, I never ever use peoples actual names, and would never ever ever knowingly use my position to reveal scandal, or discuss anything hurtful. So those of you worried about conversations "popping up" in my blog can rest assured that you will remain anonymous and the conversation would only be discussed in the first place if it was considered appropriate and not gossipy!

But in my private life, as much as I would prefer not to consider myself a gossip, I expect I do do it more than I will admit to myself. But now I have worked on this piece, maybe I'll be more aware of it and change my behaviour.

Are you a gossiper or a gossipee? Or do you keep yourself pretty much out of all of it? Is that even possible?

XOXO!