Retro Repost: Miss/Mrs/Ms? Just say Ma'am

Having laptop issues today, and yet again incredibly disorganised and haven't got a post in the bank ready, so here is a repost from about a year ago (ever so slightly tweaked) which kind of fits for me today. I am now volunteering in a free bookshop and never quite know what to call people, Sir? Madam? Or as is my usual way, avoid using any form of personal address whatsoever and just chat to people as if I know them: "Closing up now guys" I'm sure this is as irritating for some as the use of Ms is for me, but I'd feel far more awkward saying Sir or Madam, which I suppose explains why so many people don't bother these days...

Miss/Mrs/Ms? Just say Ma'am

I was having some problems getting into my PayPal account the other day, so I reluctantly phoned them to try and get it sorted.

Before I could speak to an actual human being I had to get through the dreaded talking menus (“Do you need to speak to an operator?” “yes!” “Did you say… No?” “No, I said y…e…s.” “I heard… No. Is that correct?” “No!” “Did you say… No?”), I usually stay quiet not only out of principle but inability to get the damn thing to understand me. I got through the first few levels of menu with no problem; it then said “Please state your issue”. I was so thrown by having to describe my problem in a sentence that an inanimate object would understand that I got quite muddled up “I can’t log into Facebook… no eBay… no I mean PAYPAL, for Christ sake you’re not going to understand that are you?” I then had an agonising 10 seconds of Flight of the Bumblebee (seriously, could they have chosen a more infuriating piece of music?) before I was transferred to a lovely American man who said “The computer says you can’t log into your PayPal account, is that correct Ma’am?” So the computer understood me after all, that’s pretty impressive.

Thumbs up to PayPal because not only was my problem dealt with swiftly but I found the repeated use of the word “Ma’am” quite refreshing. Too many companies these days insist on first name basis, which I utterly despise. If you don’t know me, and are taking my money, please find the most respectful way of addressing me, at least by second name. “Ma’am” is a nice way to avoid wading through the Mrs, Ms., Miss minefield.

A couple of years ago the European Parliament caused outrage when it requested all staff to use Ms. in place of Miss and Mrs. People were highly offended by being forced to use Ms., I don’t blame them, being forced to precede your name with such a horrid sounding syllable would piss me off too.

When we bought our apartment in Ibiza, the deeds referred to The Dad as ‘Don’ and me as ‘Doña’. It is a basic polite form. The Dad took great pleasure in the fact that he was ‘The Don’. I just liked that I didn’t have to address whether I was married, unmarried, divorced or whatever anytime I filled out a form.

It’s alright for men. They have it easy. They start off as Master, then at age 16 (or sometimes 18) it’s automatically Mr. Their marital status doesn’t even come into it, it’s a far more dignified process.

I don’t understand why it is different for women. Years ago, Mrs and Miss worked in the same way as Mr and Master. It was an age thing. Derived from the term Mistress, (nothing to do with the current more provocative meaning) Mrs denoted the woman of the household, Miss was the daughter.

I have stubbornly hung onto the title “Miss” for my entire adult life. I’m not married, I don’t plan to be, so why change it? But now I am well into my thirties I would like a more distinguished title, one that doesn’t make me sound like a wrinkly old spinster from a Charlotte Bronte novel.

I hate the word Ms with a passion. Not only does it sound horrid (Mzzzzzz) but it has weird connotations. They may as well put the dot in the middle and replace it with a question mark because Ms automatically makes people suspicious, is she a Mrs or a Miss? Why is she using Ms.?

Anyway. I’m not planning on getting married any time soon, although I am the ‘mistress’ of the house. It’s all so flipping complicated. So I kind of get where they were going when then brought out this Ms thing. I just wish they had come up with a word that didn’t make me sound like a defective bumblebee.

Of course, someone could always buy me a nice title like “Lady” for Christmas. I've heard you can get them on eBay, which I'm sure is as official as it needs to be. I think "Lady" suits me and has a nice ring to it.

A Day For Everything

Hurrah! You probably don’t realise but it’s Global Handwashing Day today (and if it weren’t for me, you’d have missed it tut tut). How bad must our hygiene as a planet have become that we need to have a day dedicated to washing our hands? And I’m all for greater awareness of personal hygiene but is a “day” really the best way to approach it? Admittedly I have been washing my hands more vigilantly today so it must have some effect.

But there are days, and often months, dedicated to pretty much everything and nothing these days. Some of the weirder ones I have encountered in researching this post include Get A Different Name Day (which could be potentially confusing at register time at school: “Fred” “I’m Bob today Miss” “Er OK, Charlie?” “No I’m Aloicious today”, just doing the register would take all day, genius), Barbie Day (I’d be first in the queue with my leotard and legwarmers), Chicken Month (er?) and tellingly, Make Up Your Own Holiday Day, which leads me to wonder in the first place, who comes up with these things? Can anyone just throw their arms wide and shout “I declare today to be International Toilet Paper day, dedicated to the appreciation of having something to wipe our bums with”? And then what? Should I give out free toilet paper? Offer lessons in bog roll origami?

The trouble with all of these days lies in not just a lack of awareness of the day itself but also, not a lot of clarity about what we are supposed to be doing with that day. Global Handwashing Day, I presume we are all supposed to wash our hands today more than any other? And given that tomorrow is World Food Day, does that mean tomorrow we’ll be less clean than today (sod the handwashing, that was yesterdays news, I’m stuffing my face with hors d’eurves using my grubby, unwashed hands).

Some of the days titles make their purpose fairly obvious eg. “No Smoking Day” (appreciate the sentiment buuuuuuut…), Bring Your Dog to Work Day, International Steak and Blowjob day (come on guys, don’t be greedy, that’s what birthdays are for). But others are just plain ambiguous: Namesake Day, Women’s Day, Environment Day, Juneteeth (this is to celebrate the abolishment of slavery, I would have had no idea what “Juneteenth” were for had it not been for Google), Different Colored Eyes Day (purely for people whose eyes are different colours on each side, pretty divisive if you ask me). No, I like the days that clearly pinpoint it’s exact purpose in the title; Everything Covered in Chocolate Day and Gin Day to name two.

I started to compile a list of day’s that I would like to propose (first person to say I have too much time on my hands gets a slap), but then I discovered already existed:

World Stay In Bed Day

Which this year fell on the 23^rd September. This is to raise awareness of people who are bedridden due to illness and not, as the title would suggest (and would have been my reasoning), to encourage laziness on a worldwide scale.

World Egg Day

A day to appreciate all things egg related. Unfortunately we missed it for this year as it falls on the second Friday in October (why do I not get to hear about these things sooner?), but next year I fully intend to have some eggy fun.

Tell The Truth Day

I thought I was being terribly clever in coming up with this idea. I tell the truth without even thinking (sometimes even when it would have been better to lie) but some people could certainly do with some help in that department. It falls in July, I could certainly have slapped a few Tell The Truth Day orders on lying twits over the years.

Random Acts of Kindness Day

OK so this should be everyday but it would be nice if some of those miserly people who wouldn’t help out their own granny could have a day where they were forced to be nice.

There are also a couple of days that don’t already exist (shockingly) which I would like to propose; Children Stay Silent Day, Everything is Free Day, International Shut up, Bring Me Chocolate and Stop Complaining About my Choice in Telly Day and my personal favourite, World Sex Toy Appreciation Month (to handily coincide with Steak and Blowjob Day, well, there needs to be something in it for us girls eh?).