Become who you are

A couple of years ago I jumped on the, then latest, now old hat, interior design bandwagon and furnished my kitchen with a series of postcards each bestowing words of wisdom. The obligatory “Keep calm and carry on” (now so over exposed in can be found in mud huts in the far reaches of outer Mongolia, but still conveys a good message), “Many hands make light work”, “Work hard and be nice to people” etc. But my very favourite of all of these is “Become who you are.” It reminds me every day that I can always reach higher, try harder or change anything about myself that I don’t like that day.

Still reading my Robin Sieger book (Natural Born Winners for those who missed my last post), he puts forth a theory that what we hear becomes real in our minds. So a small child who breaks something and is repeatedly told is clumsy, will forevermore believe himself to be clumsy. And as he believes it to be so, it comes true. We are all susceptible to this, whatever age we are. But it’s not just what we are told by others, it is also what we tell ourselves.

Take me and my BFF for instance. She is anally tidy, I am messy. We have a long running joke about how tidy she is, and what a slattern I am. This is in built in me now. So when I do decide to get the house tidy, it feels far more of an effort than it does for her, because I am constantly reminding myself that I will never, ever get the last Lightning McQueen sticker off my stripped pine doors, a pair of knickers rolled up on my bedroom floor has become a permanent Tracey Emin style design element of the room, and every time I open my purse a thousand receipts will always spring out because I never get round to clearing it out. That’s because I’m just messy and that is what I expect of myself. And in the same way, BFF would never dream of leaving the washing up until later (when it might be more convenient/less stressful) because she is being constantly reminded, not just by me but by herself, that she has neatness OCD.

But we all need to listen to ourselves and remember that nothing is set in stone. Who we are as people is constantly evolving, through life style, the company we keep, the jobs we do, and the organic nature of the human spirit means that we can all become who we are, whatever we want ourselves to be.

We all hate being put into boxes, and people seeing us a stereo type. Just because I’m a stay at home mum doesn’t mean I watch Jeremy Kyle every day (only sometimes, as a treat), just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are camp etc. However irritating it is, many people will always expect us to be a certain way because of our lifestyle, how we look, religion, whatever. But so often we do it to ourselves, “I’m messy”, “I’m boring”, “I don’t like tomatoes”… but if we would allow ourselves to be anything we want, we usually can be.

According to Sieger, the key is listening to, and then challenging, the inner stereotypes we have of ourselves and remembering that we all have the choice to change, if we want to.

I have a short attention span, and an unquenchable thirst for trying new things. Over the years I have come to dislike this side of myself “I’m too faddy” “I never see anything through”. One day I’m in sensible shoes trying to be supermum, sewing my own curtains, getting early nights and worrying whether or not the sons have got their five a day, the next I’m throwing on a mini skirt and going out on the lash, without a care that I’m going to want to tear out my own eyes when the kids start jumping on me at 6am. But maturing as a person is all about becoming comfortable in your own skin, and I am learning that the ability to change and adapt is part of the journey, if we allow it to be.

So no longer am I shameful of my chameleon nature. I embrace reinvention and all the ups and downs that await me as a result. We can all choose to be anything or anyone we want, and enjoy the adventure as we become who we are.

The Domino Effect

It’s funny how when one thing in your life changes it affects every other area too. When you have shared your life with someone they become inextricably linked to so many things in your life that it’s very hard to separate yourselves. Sometimes it feels like the man and me are wearing invisible Velcro suits, we just manage separate an arm when we discover that a leg is still attached. Trying to unravel the complicated web we have woven around each other is requiring a complete life reboot. It is lucky that we get on so well, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for those who have lost all respect for each other.

At first it just meant an empty place in my bed, then all of a sudden dominoed to the point where I realised that the least of my worries was not having someone to cuddle up to at night. And it’s not just the practical stuff; money, car, house, it is also entangled in everything else, confidence, sense of self, purpose, how I look at the world. I couldn’t name you one thing in my life right now that doesn’t feel strange in some way, and doesn’t require a level of attention to get it sorted out. I was struggling for a while there to be honest. I just didn’t know where to start.

But often all it takes is one thing, and those dominoes start going the other way.

Those of you that have been reading my blog for some time will be well aware of my love of self help books. To any newcomers, welcome! And you should know that I love self help books.

My current new squeeze is Robin Sieger, author of Natural Born Winners. I have never come across him before because he resides in the business section which aims to help companies and businessy people self help themselves, whereas I tend to hang around in the vague “yes I want to be happy and improve my life but I’m not too sure in what way and as long as its not too much hard work and doesn’t encroach on my TOWIE/Chelsea/Neighbours catch up” category of self help.

It turns out that the business self help section is a vast untapped resource of exciting new ways to improve my life (I can almost hear my Amazon shopping cart groaning under the weight already) and I am itching to use what I’m learning to help me unravel the web I’m in and make a happy life on my own.

Robin Sieger’s first lesson is that in order to be successful at anything you have to have a clearly defined set of goals and know exactly where you are heading, a major stumbling block for most of us. Being successful is one thing, working out what that means to each of us is something else. Not only do we see success in different ways, it also, like a long term relationship, filters into so many areas of your life that you could be forgiven for thinking it is easier not to bother. If it’s scary having one goal you might never achieve it’s a hell of a lot more scary to have five (and counting). We all have more than one goal though, and that’s probably why many of us don’t actually get anything done. It all feels far too complicated.

But the truth is, it doesn’t matter how many goals you have, and whether those goals are to get out of phase one (tracksuit bottoms and comfort eating) or get a spot on Forbes list, because you can always make the domino affect work in your favour. The people who are truly successful are usually successful in many areas of their lives not just one. Achieving anything is all about having the confidence to do something, and every tiny success towards achieving one goal also boosts your confidence so you can get closer to another goal.

I dragged myself out of bed at 6am this morning to work out, and as a result feel happy, confident and prepared to take on the world, and have already made a start on sorting out the latest round of Velcro removal for this week. I have no doubt that if I hadn’t worked out today I might not have got as much done.

So no longer do I see to do lists as long as my arm or piles of Velcro in a tangled mess, I see a neatly lined up row of dominoes just waiting for me to push the first one which will topple the rest and snake towards an exciting new life.

Paulo Coehlo said “Everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”