The M Word

I’ve now been officially on my own for a month and it’s time to start getting finances sorted. I am stepping out into the world on my own, all wobbly legged like Bambi. The decision to stay at home with the boys was made when I was part of a team, and had the financial support of the man, now things are different, it’s time to get serious.

The other night our good friend, who works in mortgages, got together with us to discuss mortgages and all the hideous stuff that follows, urghhh. I am idealistic and a total dreamer when it comes to cash. Money will come to me if I need it, right who’s for another cup of tea and a slice of homemade cake? The fact that you can’t live without money makes me feel claustrophobic, and I just want to put my fingers in my ears and go “lalalalalalala” really loud. Frankly I would rather eat my own head than have anything to do with it at all, but sadly that is not an option.

I always look forward to visits from our good friend, despite the fact that it sometimes means discussing the “m” word, because he always gives me a kick up the arse and reminds me that the key to success is doing, and the key to doing is having the confidence to do it.

I don’t think it will come as a surprise to our good friend that when the man introduced us, 13 years ago, I thought he was an arrogant prick. He was a bit of a wideboy, all expensive shirts and expensive hair cuts, talking targets and goals. Stuff that I, as a student in second hand jeans customised into flares, charity shop coat, hair cut by a friend, uncaring attitude to money and using the word “man” far more than was necessary (or cool for that matter), couldn’t have been less interested in. That doesn’t mean I disliked him, I loved everyone (man), and for some reason he thought I was OK. However now, 13 years on (homemade flares thankfully a distant memory) I no longer see an arrogant prick. I see someone whose confidence and self belief was completely justified. He set himself goals and achieved every one of them, and he’s barely thirty. What an inspiration.

We were having a discussion about my writing career (or lack of) and my unfailing belief that I am going to make it as a writer. He gave me quite a hard time, as he should. We’re talking money here, getting food on the table and a roof over my kids head. I no longer have the financial support of the man to go off on my creative whims, writing when I feel like it, spending hours a week writing a blog just because I like to entertain people, having a vague belief that I will be successful somewhere in the future. He asked me what makes me so arrogant to believe that I can get somewhere with all this? What facts have I got to back it up?

I was quite affronted at being called arrogant. My self confidence is on the floor right now, I couldn’t possibly be arrogant. But there is a big difference between arrogance and confidence, and many of us fail to see it. I know I do. Arrogance is just unjustified confidence. Arrogance is probably the single least attractive trait in people, but not wanting to be arrogant is not a good reason to avoid being confident in yourself. You don’t have to shout your confidence from the rooftops, only arrogance is loud, confidence is quiet.

I have a dream but that is not enough. I am a good writer but that is not enough. I need to start earning money from writing or its game over. No one else can do this for me. I have an unfailing belief in myself that I was put here to write. To entertain people, make them laugh, cry, think, whatever. I could go and get a job in Tesco, I could work nights in a bar, I could find a million and one ways to eke out a living and find the money to pay my mortgage and support my kids. But none of them mean anything to me. I don’t want to just pay the mortgage, I want a successful life. And successful to me means doing something that I believe in. It’s not about being the next JK Rowling, having a huge house and squillions in the bank, it’s about spending what precious time I have on the planet doing something I care about, and earning enough money to pay the bills.

The man always said I was lucky. So lucky to have a dream and a passion for something when so many others do not. I want to make sure that I do my dream justice and make it happen.

I had a moral wrangling with myself about adding a donate button to this blog. But I don’t consider it begging, more a tips jar. I’m the waitress who made you smile over your coffee.

So you will now see a donate button (Paypal) and a Tips Jar (Google Checkout), you can use either one, whichever is most convenient for you. If I make you smile one day or give you something to think about maybe you might think about giving me a tip.

And you never know, there might be a billionaire out there who can spare fifty grand and thinks I’m worth it. But that is unjustified and therefore arrogance.