No Lies - The Truth About Motherhood

I’m at the age where all of my friends seem to be having babies. It’s lovely really, photos of brand new little people seem to be popping up on Facebook daily. But along with thinking how cute they are, I can’t help but look at them and their innocently blissful new mummies and think "if only you knew the truth". Everyone knows that having kids is hard. But no one tells you quite how hard. Here are some of the things your mum conveniently forgot to tell you (probably because she knew damn well that if she did she would get no grandkids).

No Sleep

You are totally prepared for lack of sleep with a baby. Everyone talks about sleepless nights, you know it’s going to need to eat and crap round the clock, that’s a given. But no one can prepare you for how that lack of sleep actually feels. And, more importantly, no one tells you that it can last years (nearly 6 years and counting for me, and apparently doesn't get much easier). And still no one tells you that when and if your kids ever do (miraculously) sleep through the night, your sleep pattern is so fucked you wake up every two hours anyway. Just like if you do happen to get the chance of a child free lie in, it just means you’re wide awake in bed cursing at 630am on a Sunday morning instead of wide awake preparing breakfast and changing nappies (and cursing under your breath).

No thanks

Kids are not grateful for being born nor are they appreciative of the sacrifices you have made to give them life. Don’t try to get them to understand or empathise, a ten minute monologue about the amazing life you had pre-them (complete with a “look how good I looked in my crop top” trip down memory lane with the photo albums) will be greeted with a blank look and “can I have a KitKat?”

No rules

You WILL turn into "one of those" mothers and you WILL break all of your own self imposed rules. The “I’ll never bribe my kids” rule goes out the window pretty quick when you child is having one of those “my child will never behave THAT way in public” moments.

No escape

Just as you are happily telling everyone you got no stretch marks whatsoever in your pregnancy, you finally lose the last of the baby weight and suddenly your tummy looks like a family of snails has crawled all over it. And no, fake tan does not cover stretch marks. Trust me.

But despite all this there are also good things that no one tells you, and they can (almost) completely cancel out the crap stuff.

No expectations

Especially when they are little, kids can be surprisingly appreciative of even the tiniest acts of love. Son number one said he wanted a surprise when he woke up the next day. I said OK, planning on wrapping one of his long forgotten toys in shiny new wrapping paper and presenting it with a ta-da (which probably wouldn't have worked with him but would have worked with son two. Kids are totally gullible up to the age of three after that they are so shrewd and observant they can spot fake enthusiasm a mile off). Anyway, me being me completely forgot my promise and in the morning son one burst into my bedroom demanding his surprise (they also have an elephantine memory). Bleary eyed (after two hours sleep) and hostage in my bedroom with no tools at my disposal besides my phone I quickly scrawled a cute drawing on Sketch Draw. This may seem a little tight as surprises go, but I’m regularly presented with a drawing on a scribble pad as a "surprise". And so proud was son number one of his surprise that he insisted I print it out so he could put it up in his bedroom. He even made me a thank you card the next day.

No really  bad times

Even when things are as bad as bad can be, a cuddle with your kids can make everything OK, if only for that moment. Their cute little bodies all curled into yours and their smell (even the little boy smell is comforting in miserable times), is like all the best feelings in this life rolled up into one snuggly little package. Gangly legs and arms and little pot bellies that on an adult would look out of proportion and unhealthy but on kids just looks cute. Stroking those pot bellies (and hearing the ensuing giggle) is better than Prozac.

I like to speak the truth, and this post was really just an act of public service. And it’s not the whole truth (I don’t want to be responsible for single-handedly ending the human race). Congratulations (and best of luck) to all the new mummies out there.