Happiness abound, it is officially summer in the UK. So we can start to enjoy all those wonderful things that we wistfully dream of in the cold winter months, the smell of freshly mown lawns, barbeques… blah, blah, blah.
Summer gets romanticised in this country (because we get so little of it), however everyone is so busy extolling its virtues that we come back to earth with a bump when reminded of the crap stuff. Always one to err on the side of controversial, these are my top 5 summer snags.
1. Flies, wasps and other winged things
My house isn’t that messy or dirty, nor is it filled with rotting rubbish, or other unsavoury things that flies are meant to be drawn to. So why then, does it become overrun with huge flies the size of small dogs, constantly buzzing and bashing themselves against the windows? The fly infestation is made worse by the man’s regular killings sprees, leaving the carcasses lying around for son number 2 to examine, or worse, smeared across the window. I’d rather listen to them crashing into the window than have to deal with dried up old fly corpse.
Trying to enjoy a picnic in the sun? The second you open a packet of crisps a swarm of wasps will start flying threateningly around your ham sandwich. And I don’t care how many people tell me to stay still, it’s a basic fight or flight response to run around wildly flapping my arms. You can’t argue with science.
Mosquitoes keep me awake half the night too, not with their pitiful little whining noise, but with the man’s almost OCD-like hatred of them. He will go from peaceful slumber to leaping out of bed with absolutely no warning to jump around the room naked to kill the tiny beasts, lest they eat him alive: “It’s gone behind the bed, help me get it out so I can kill it”. Anything with wings spells trouble, and they seem to triple in volume sooner than you can say “cold glass of pinot blush on the patio”.
2. Unpredicitable weather
Winter dressing is easy: layers, layers and more layers. Summer clothes are far trickier, flipflops and boob tube (to avoid strap marks) are great when the sun is out, but when you get outside you find the wind chill is minus one and the kids are getting hypothermia in their vests and shorts. Then, just when you think you are beating the system “Ha, it might look warm but you got me with that one yesterday, I’m wearing my winter coat and dressing the kids in their thermals” only to get outside and find it’s sweltering and everyone is melting. And what’s with all this rain? Squelching and flapping about in wet gladiator sandals does not a happy me make. Not to mention spending numerous hours everyday putting washing on the line then retrieving it when there’s a downpour.
3. Dirty Windows
As soon as the sun comes out everyone walking past my house can see that I haven’t had my windows cleaned since Christmas.
4. Holidays (Or Not)
Summer holidays with kids are stressful, packing enough stuff to survive two weeks in a hot country without CBeebies on tap takes weeks of preparation and military precision. Not to mention the complaints; “this doesn’t taste like a normal sausage”, “it’s too hot” and crying for some random toy that hasn’t seen the light of day for months but suddenly is the most important thing in the world and has been left languishing in the toy box at home, hardly a relaxing getaway. But despite all that, I would love to have a holiday, although the man and me are never organised enough or have the spare money to actually get one off the ground. I often think we are the only people on the planet not to have some sort of summer holiday. So while everyone is swanning off to some far flung corner of the globe to get all tanned and wrinkly in the sun I am still at home getting washing on and off the line.
5. Constant pressure to have toenails painted, legs waxed and fake tan on (and/or avoid unsightly strap marks)
In winter no one could ever know that your legs resemble an unmown lawn, or your toenails are long and horny with six month old grown out nail varnish on them, and there is no constant fear of dodgy strap marks (if you accidentally wear a vest top in May on a hot day, you will be ‘wearing’ it until next summer). But less clothing in summer means more upkeep. Maintaining a respectable level of personal grooming is so much less time consuming when you don’t have to shave your armpits every day.
Hey, I love summer as much as the next person. But let’s be realistic here, it’s not all barbeques and mojitos. Happy summer everyone!
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