Parents Need A Laugh Too

A hit new book for parents entitled “Go The F*ck To Sleep” written as a parody of a children’s bedtime book has caused a media storm and hysterical rantings on the forums. The book is purely for sleep deprived parents who can see the funny side (and frankly, need a laugh) and not in any way intended to be a children’s book, but the do gooding crew are out to spoil our fun yet again.

The book is part of a growing section of the literary world. A quick peek on Amazon and I found a number of books in a similar vein including a book about dinosaurs entitled “All My Friends Are Dead” (which I thought was genius).

No one in their right mind would read any of these books to their children, but it has hit a raw nerve and everyone seems to have an opinion. One person on a forum I read even compared the book to combining In The Night Garden with hardcore porn. Seriously? The worst criticisms seem to hint that any parent who enjoys the book loves their kids less or worse still, are bad parents.

Parenting is such an emotive subject, with many people pious about their own methods and judgemental about others. Maybe it’s because we think we know so much more these days about what supposedly works and what doesn’t; breastfeeding boosts immunity and apparently IQ, never give your children turkey twizzlers or they’ll end up obese, don’t smack, do smack, don’t let them talk to the neighbours and even their teachers can’t be trusted (and don’t let a friend pick them up from school unless they are CRB checked), don’t let them spend the whole time indoors watching telly but don’t let them go to the park on their own. And now, apparently, don’t read grown up books with swear words in them.

Despite all the available advice I am struggling to find a solution specific to my particular problem. Son number one is nearly five and capable of opening the four stair gates that defend the rest of the house from his barrage, and also now it seems, capable of bringing son number two downstairs and serving up “breakfast” while the man and me are sleeping peacefully assuming the kids are doing the same. This morning I was greeted with an open fridge door swinging on its hinges, and a trail of food going from the kitchen to the sofa. Everything had been pilfered. Sausages, jelly, cheese, yoghurt, the last of the Easter eggs… son number one has a marmite sandwich and a pile of fruit for his lunch box today because the little monkeys ate everything else.

The naughty step has been hailed as a basic cure all when it comes to discipline, but how do you keep a two year old on it? There’s nothing son number two enjoys more than an hour or two of hysterical laughter watching mummy sweat as she keeps returning him to the step, son number one also enjoys that particular matinee performance. After two hours and being laughed at by two under fives, even I have forgotten the initial rule break.

I have also removed toys. In fact, the kids bedroom is now totally devoid of all toys, everything is in a bike locked cupboard, one box of toys to be removed at a time for supervised play.

But I’m really at a loss to know how to deal with the early morning fridge raids. Poor old son number one gets all the blame, after all he knows right from wrong. But son number two is only 22 months, and maybe he’s slow, but he just doesn’t get it. I am not going to start sleeping on the floor of the kids room, I know locking their door would be beyond dangerous, they don’t have access to any toys and are too young for pocket money. As a rule we don’t smack or hit, it just seems to give the wrong message and the few times we have done it has resulted in us getting a smack back.

Apparently you can get extra high stair gates for people with large dogs, which may be an option. Although what might confound a German Shepherd would be peanuts to my 2 year old with his advanced climbing skills.

We stick criminals in prison to teach them a lesson. I realise that having a cage for a naughty kid is a basic infringement of human rights, but every time I go to one of those soft play centres there is always a tiny part of me that thinks, could I make a small one of those and stick a lock on it…?

Being a parent is hard and we need a laugh occasionally. And as far as I know, the best parents are open-minded, flexible and most importantly have a sense a humour. I love the idea of “Go The F*ck To Sleep”, in fact I think they should make an entire series including “Eat Your F*cking Dinner”, “Because I Blo*dy Said So” and “Stop Kicking The Back Of My Car Seat You Little Sh*t”.