I sometimes feel a bit sorry for men. Years of women’s liberation has created a confusing situation. Treat us mean, keep us keen, but be a bastard and you’re out of here. We want to feel like we’re paying our own way, but if you don’t offer to pay we think you’re not a gentleman. We want chocolates but we’re constantly on a diet so we can’t eat them, but if you were to buy us apples we would ask if you were trying to say we’re fat. And the biggie “Am I fat?” Right answer is no, but if we know you’re lying it begs the question, what else are you lying about? And if you do answer no, we’ll give you a million reasons why that’s not true, poking and prodding at areas of skin that barely see the light of day usually, until eventually the poor man has to respond that yes, in that area you might be a bit wobbly. WHAT? You’re telling me I’m FAT?
Poor old men, they can’t win really. Us girls often bemoan our unromantic partner, but standard response to spontaneous flower or chocolate giving is “what have you done?“ or “what do you want?“ or "couldn't you have been a bit more imaginative?". And the rules concerning what type of flowers or chocolates are appropriate seem to get more complicated as the years go on. The man once bought me a huge bouquet of yellow roses, fearing that I would complain that red roses were unoriginal (I probably would have). But my reaction was “Yellow roses? They mean friendship, not love!“ Garage flowers say they haven’t made the effort, but if they went to a florist and spent a lot of money we would complain that they spent too much.
Every gift giving occasion the man asks me “What do you want?” I get so cross, because surely he should know what I want by now (and besides asking me 2 weeks before Christmas just reminds me that he’s only just thinking about it and hasn’t spent the last 6 months coming up with the perfect gift, as I have done for him). So off he goes to get me something, and in my mind I do know what I want, and I hope and I pray that he will get it. Then if he doesn’t, I’m disappointed. He should know what I want by now! So why didn’t I just tell him what I want? Because I want him to know already, I want to know that he knows me that well, and knows what I want. And I want a surprise. But you can’t have a surprise if you know what you want. That’s true, but I still want a surprise.
I was talking to a couple friend the other night and it’s her birthday coming up. Her hubby admitted that he is buying her lots of gifts so hopefully one of them would be right. Suddenly it dawned on me that lots of men seem to do that, and I thought it was a generosity thing. No, they are understandably hedging their bets.
I often bemoan that the man isn’t romantic. He never surprises me with gifts and after 12 years, big romantic gestures are a little thin on the ground. But I can’t help but wonder if I’ve maybe beaten him down just a little over the years. He says I have a load of complicated rules about what I want and what I don’t want, a fact which I have always denied, and he always tries to stick to them. It’s so simple, just get me something lovely, or do something lovely. When I asked the man at Valentines for something romantic you could see the strain in his face. He looked instantly stressed and harassed at the thought of having to define “romance” in a gift, without breaking my self imposed rules of not too obvious, but not so unobvious that it loses its point, not too big, not too small, nothing that might make me fat but something that I consider a treat, don’t spend any money but don’t be tight, a surprise but something I really want… when I see it like that I can understand why he finds it so hard. Even I can admit myself, the rules are somewhat contradictory. I often complain how difficult men are to buy gifts for but actually, give them an Xbox game and a box of Cadburys Heroes and they’re happy, not so easy to shop for us girls.
And it’s not just gifts. Men have to do the right thing too. How long should you wait before you call after a date? The next day might seem to desperate but leave it any longer and you’re ignoring us. And what’s a good date anyway? Dinner and a film is a standard option, although could be construed as unoriginal and boring, but take us paintballing and we’ll complain about messing our hair up.
I once went out with a guy who gave me a gift every day the first week we were together, and wrote me lots of slushy love poems. I can now look back and appreciate how lovely the gesture was, but at the time I remember saying to my girlfriends that it was getting a bit much and maybe I should ditch him.
I am the first to admit that I am high maintenance, although I prefer to say I have high standards. I do complain of a lack of romance in my life, but the man maintaining me all these years, and trying to stick to my complicated list of prerogatives, well that's pretty romantic in itself.
What do women want? It’s a question that has been asked since time began, and my response? We don’t even know ourselves, and if we did know, we wouldn’t tell men because we feel you really should know by now.
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