Friday, 13 July 2012

Be careful what you wish for...

A few years ago in my not so dim, but what now feels like an incredibly distant past, a single friend came round to my house to meet my baby son. She floated through the door in a cloud of perfume, perfectly coiffed hair, all skinny and irritatingly "together." I greeted her, saggy boobed, no makeup, unwashed hair, heavily overweight (still in maternity clothes four months after pregnancy) and dripping milk from my mummy udders. We had a long chat, her discussing her turbulent love life and her exciting job. My side of the conversation was limited to breast pads, baby poo schedules and sleepless nights. My semi-suburban life as a stay at home mum, in a settled relationship, it’s seemingly dull monotony, not bad, not amazing, seemed frankly unremarkable compared to this glamorous life she seemed to have. And the main thing I remember from that day is that despite her proclamations that she was envious of my routine and security, I experienced an overwhelming jealousy that her life was so exciting, and filled with drama. I believed that that was it for me, my drama days were over. My life would be settled and comfortable, not amazing, but not bad, for the rest of my living days. And I clearly recall saying “God I wish I had some drama in my life”.

Fast forward about five years and I am getting what I wished for, in spades. And just when I think one drama is finally over, another one, far more unbelievable than the last comes along. I’m not going to discuss the ins and outs of it (I think I over share quite enough thank you), and you wouldn’t believe me if I did. Let’s just say I am awaiting the call from Jeremy Kyle to propose a two hour Christmas special with lots of close ups on the audiences dropped jaws, as each ridiculous turn of events is revealed.

But I am now pretty much reaching drama saturation point. This week, after the most recent chapter in my stunningly remarkable (and not a good way) life unfolded, I drove to visit a friend and spent the entire journey laughing manically at the irony, and the ridiculousness of my current situation, after wishing so fervently for drama all those years ago.

The old saying “be careful what you wish for” keeps ringing in my head. Is all this of my own making? If Paulo Coehlo is right and the universe really does conspire to give you everything you want, am I now just living the result of my wishes?

I don’t know. But I know that I feel physically wrung out and emotionally drained by everything. I am past breakdown territory, I am into the manically laughing stage, goodness only knows what the next stage is. There have been times I was worried I would end up rocking in the corner muttering to a banana about my messed up life, but as I pass through each subsequent stage of the process I realise it’s all normal. Crying or manically laughing, spending days in my pyjamas, even conversing with a banana, does not mean I’m weak or messed up. Because really, shit happens, and you have to allow all of it to run its course before you can move on. Attempt to skip a step and you go back to the beginning. Maybe you have to give yourself permission to be completely broken before you can put yourself together again.

Shit often happens when you have done nothing to deserve it and this is the worst kind, because it's completely out of your control. But when it is out of your control you just have to sit back and enjoy the ride (by enjoy I obviously mean despise and wish it was over).

But, always one to look on the bright side of things, I have made new friends, who may one day be old friends, and old friends have reconfirmed themselves as being the most wonderful in the world. So there is one thing in my life that is sorted. I just need to cling onto that.

Just keep smiling. Smiling and counting my blessings, asking for help where it’s needed and focussing on the fact that one day this will all be over and things will be maybe not amazing, but at least not bad, again. I dream of that day, because by god am I going to appreciate it when it finally happens. And I will always think very, very carefully before I wish for anything ever again.

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