Affected

It has become a bit of a long standing joke amongst my circle of friends that I live in my own little bubble, where I see everyone dancing, holding hands, in a meadow of flowers and happiness. OK, it’s not quite that simple but I do try to stay positive, see the best in people and the world around me, and I take some ribbing for it, especially from myself; as I realise it is probably quite a naïve attitude to have. Maybe it’s a defence mechanism, and maybe it is just me that does it, but I like my bubble of innocence, it keeps me sane and happy, and most people are accepting, if not somewhat bewildered, by my rose tinted outlook on life. Sometimes though, life just engulfs me and it’s as hard to see the positives in something as the proverbial wood for the trees.

However, despite a strong resolve, even my moods and way of responding to situations are all affected by what I see and read, especially when something is so good that it captures my imagination, and this has been demonstrated to me this week, with quite intense results.

On Monday I decided it was time for a bit of self-help action. It’s been a while since I indulged my addiction and there is a documentary I have wanted to watch for some time now called “The Secret”, which is also a book by Rhonda Byrne. It is based on the “Law of Attraction” a quantum physics theory I don’t even pretend to understand. But the gist in the Secret is that whatever we think about and speak about we receive. So as long as we think positive, healthy and wealthy thoughts, we will get what we put out there. As a theory it’s one I support. Positive thinking is, to me, one of the most powerful tools at our discretion (and the basis for most self help books, probably why I like them so much), one that is often under used and over ridiculed in our society. I’m not sure how much positive thinking will really help you get that new car or a gazillion pounds in the bank, but if it helps us get closer to it, or at least makes us happier in the process then I’m all for it.

On Tuesday I awoke after a fairly peaceful night (still filled with the nightmares that now seem to plague my every sleep, but not as brutal or as disturbing as they have been of late) with a firm and familiar positive grip on the world. I lay in bed for a moment and thought about all the things in my life I had to be thankful for. So far so good. As the day wore on my natural positive thinking came back to me, when people asked me how I was, I responded with “I’m great!”, and I truly felt good.

Then on Tuesday afternoon I decided to start reading a book that had been on my reading list for months, “The Hunger Games”, and experienced a dramatic turn around in my positive outlook.

“The Hunger Games” is a trilogy (and now a film I can’t wait to see) by Suzanne Collins, about a post apocalyptic world where an evil regime, which lives in a lush and decadent capital, controls 13 starved and desperate districts. One district has been destroyed and each of the remaining districts are required to take part in “The Hunger Games”. Each year, all children between the age of 12 and 18 are entered into “The Reaping”, a process where one boy and one girl from each district are selected at random to appear in “The Hunger Games, a kind of brutal Big Brother. All contestants are required to fight to the death until only one person remains. The process of the Hunger Games is fully televised and becomes a national event, and people are required to celebrate and enjoy the brutality, lest they are punished by the regime. It is a harsh and scary tale, but brilliantly written and consumed me so much, I read the first two books in the trilogy within 48 hours and I have nearly completed the final book.

Throughout the reading of “The Hunger Games”, I have become harsher and more doggedly determined but overall a lot of the positivity and lightness I had gained from watching “The Secret” has gone, my nightmares have become even darker than they have ever been, with the usual players taking on even more vicious and brutal ways of torturing my sleep. But despite the way it has affected me emotionally, I can’t stop, I have to finish it, and hope that in the end, there is a positive outcome, that somehow despite everything that has happened in this world of death and misery, justice and happiness can prevail.

And then I’ll watch the Secret again and read something light hearted and funny. And I can get back inside my bubble. A little holiday to the darker side of life has been interesting and captivating, but like the youngest and weakest contestants in the Hunger Games, I don’t belong here.