Summertime #2

Well it’s another Manic Monday after another manic weekend, and yet again I haven’t found the time to write a shiny new blog post for you guys. But the weather has been gorgeous, so here’s a rewrite of a post I did last Summer, just to remind you of all the fun we are about to have…

Summertime and the living is… dead flies, hairy armpits and unreliable weather

Happiness abound, the Summer appears to have come early here in the UK. So we can start to enjoy all those wonderful things that we wistfully dream of in the cold winter months, the smell of freshly mown lawns, barbeques etc.

Summer gets romanticised in this country (because we get so little of it), however everyone is so busy extolling its virtues that we come back to earth with a bump when reminded of the crap stuff. Despite my positive outlook on life, there are some things about summer which are just rubbish whichever way you look at them. These are my top 5 summer snags.

1. Flies, wasps and other winged things

My house isn’t that messy or dirty, nor is it filled with rotting rubbish, animal corpses or other unsavoury things that flies are meant to be drawn to. So why then, does it become overrun with huge flies the size of small dogs, constantly buzzing and bashing themselves against the windows the second the temperature gets into double figures? Spray them with fly spray and hoover up the bodies before son number two has them as a crunchy snack, or swat them against the window leaving a bizarrely large smear on the window and a big red blood stain on the cover of last months Glamour magazine? Tough call.

Trying to enjoy a picnic in the sun? The second you open a packet of crisps a swarm of wasps will start flying threateningly around your ham sandwich, guaranteed. And I don’t care how many people tell me to stay still and they won’t sting, it’s a basic fight or flight response to run around wildly flapping my arms and screaming. You can’t argue with science…

Note to mosquitoes and “other biting insects” – I need my blood, I’m not that tasty, and could you please find someone else to munch on that doesn’t want to wear a mini skirt at the weekend?

Anything with wings spells trouble, and in the summer they seem to triple in volume sooner than you can say “cold glass of pinot blush on the patio”.

2. Unpredicitable weather/what not to wear

Winter dressing is easy: layers, layers and more layers. Summer clothes are far trickier, flipflops and boob tube (to avoid strap marks) are great when the sun is out, but not so when you get outside you find the wind chill is minus one and the kids are getting hypothermia in their vests and shorts. Then, just when you think you are beating the system “Ha, it might look warm but you got me with that one yesterday, I’m wearing my winter coat and dressing the kids in their thermals” you get outside and find it’s sweltering and everyone is melting.

The early summer excitement of getting your summer wardrobe out quickly turns to disappointment when you discover that all those maxi dresses and floaty tops you thought had magically materialised in your loft during the winter consists of one pair of capri pants (circa 2001) and some flip flops with a perfectly formed foot shape embedded in grime on the insole.

And if you wake up to blue skies and sunshine you can’t even trust it, because no sooner have you got dressed there will likely be sudden torrential rain of epic proportions. Squelching and flapping about in wet gladiator sandals does not a happy me make. Not to mention spending numerous hours every day putting washing on the line then retrieving it when there’s a downpour. I do have better things to do with my time.

3. Dirty Windows

As soon as the sun comes out everyone walking past my house can see that I haven’t had my windows cleaned since Christmas.

4. Holidays (Or Not)

Summer holidays with kids are stressful, packing enough stuff to survive without CBeebies on tap takes weeks of preparation and military precision. Not to mention the complaints (“this doesn’t taste like a normal sausage”) and crying for some random toy left languishing in the toybox at home that hasn’t seen the light of day for months but suddenly is the most important thing in the world. Hardly a relaxing getaway. This lack of motivation to spend a thousand pounds on a week where everything is just as stressful as it is at home, but without the usual things I use to keep everyone calm (kids telly, the naughty step, work, a childminder…) is why I often think I’m the only person not busily planning my summer break at this time of year. So I know, in a few months time while everyone is swanning off to some far flung corner of the globe to get all tanned and wrinkly in the sun, I will still be at home getting washing on and off the line.

5. Constant pressure to have toenails painted, legs waxed and fake tan on (and/or avoid unsightly strap marks)

In winter no one could ever know that your legs resemble an unmown lawn, or that your toenails have six month old grown out nail varnish on them and are so long they snag every pair of tights you try to put on. There is no constant fear of dodgy strap marks (if you accidentally wear a vest top in March on a hot day, you will be ‘wearing’ it until next summer). But less clothing in summer means more upkeep. Maintaining a respectable level of personal grooming is so much less time consuming when you don’t have to shave your armpits every day.

Hey, I love summer as much as the next person. But let’s be realistic here, it’s not all barbeques and mojitos. Enjoy the sunshine everyone!