The best advice ever given

My mum rang last night to hear about my weekend shenanigans. Mums have a habit of handing out advice even when you haven't asked for it and don't need it anyway. But this time, she uncharacteristically said “Well I’m not going to say anything today”. It turns out she read my stars this week and the universe thinks I must ignore any advice from a loved one. Thanks mum, surely telling me to ignore advice constitutes advice?

Anwyay, people just love to give advice don’t they? What advice have you been given that has worked or failed? Here are a few little nuggets passed on to me over the years…

Good advice: Follow your heart

Your head may be pretty competent but your heart has the monopoly on your true feelings. When you’ve got your heart going one way and your head going another it’s all too easy to play it safe. But life is for living, rules are for bending, and hearts are for breaking. A life without heartbreak is a life unlived. Follow your heart, then deal with the pain and anguish by eating a huge bar of Fruit and Nut and having a three hour natter with your best friend. It makes everything better.

Bad advice: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with

Well there’s a recipe for pain, heartache and/or disaster if ever I heard one. If you can’t be with the one you love… mourn the one you love until you are truly over them. Don’t drag other people down to mask your heartache. Admittedly “if you can’t be with the one you love, sit at home alone crying in your pyjamas eating Dairy Milk and looking through photo albums for months on end until you’re ready to go out and meet someone new” does not have quite the same catchy ring to it as the original (covered by many) versions of the song, but it would make for a far more useful pop song.

Good advice: Don’t over think things

Note to self: Listen to this advice. Enough said.

Bad advice: Having a plan makes everything run smoothly

But having a plan also means extra time taken to make that plan, stress caused when unforeseen circumstances result in straying from the plan, and massive rows over ones rigidity in sticking to the plan: “shut up about the plan woman” (which can all add up to a miserable holiday/day out/life for all). Good advice in theory but in practise, having a plan can ruin the fun.

Good advice: Never say never

Be flexible, keep all doors open, don’t limit your opportunities; are all sound advice in my humble opinion. In fact, I said a few months ago I’d never wear a crop top in public again. The fact that I’d used the word “never” played heavily on my mind so I wore a crop top just to prove to myself I could, and got a massive confidence boost from the reaction of a bunch of young, fit lads (admittedly far too young and fit for me but still). Best. Day. Ever.

Bad advice: Just once won’t do any harm

Just one fag can get you addicted, just one glass of wine can spiral into a drinking binge of epic proportions, just one bite of the kids dinner at dishing up time can result in hungry children and extra pounds on the scale (and not being able to wear a crop top in public). Take it from me, just once can do a lot of harm.

Good advice: Don’t wash with soap

The main ingredient in soap and shower gel? Sodium lauryl sulphate, which is also used to clean engines. Seriously, how dirty can you be? I just wish water smelled nicer, coming out of the shower smelling of, erm… water is not as nice as coming out smelling of rose and jasmine. OK, don’t wash with soap may be good advice as far as the condition of your skin is concerned but bad advice if you like to smell nice (which I do, just to stop the soap dodging comments flooding in).

Bad advice: That spot/scab is ready…

Really? OK go on then. Great, now I have a huge hole in my face three times the size of the original spot, weeping pus like the mouth of a drooling baby. The spot is ready? Stick some concealer on it and leave it the fuck alone.

But the best advice of all time is never, ever give advice. Or at least always issue a warning/disclaimer with it.

Disclaimer: All advice is taken at your risk, don’t come crying to me if you get your heart broken, the spot gets infected or your friends don’t want to sit next to you because you don’t smell of rose and jasmine…