How to be a good mother or I’ll take a large helping of social pressure with a side order of guilt please

I watched a programme the other night on Channel 4 called How To Be a Good Mother. Always wanting to improve on my confused mothering technique, I tuned in, expecting to get a few tips on how to counter nappy rash without having to do nappy off and ending up skidding on a poo, spilling a hot coffee in the process. Or get a fussy child to eat more than one kind of vegetable. But rather than the how-to I had expected, it was the story of six women doing some wonderful, and sometimes downright barmy, things in the name of motherhood. And they all felt that they had got it just right. But if I’m honest, I didn’t learn anything that helped me, just that I’m kind of glad that I didn’t eat my own placenta.

By far the strangest of these women was the placenta lady. She makes placenta prints (which is exactly what it sounds like), umbilical cord charms (wrapping a portion of umbilical cord into the shape of a heart then drying it out and hanging on ribbon for people to display in their homes), and finally cooking the placenta, then drying it out and grinding it up into capsules for the mother to take every day as a kind of hormone supplement. She apparently took a bite of her own placenta and was even paid to go one ladies house straight after the birth to whip up a placenta smoothie, which the mother then downed with glee. Aside from the placenta mania, this woman has received a lot criticism for saying that those mothers who have had caesarean sections do not have as strong a bond with their children than those who have had a natural birth. She said that, as a result of being a caesarean baby, she can’t look her own mother in the eye. So she has got to this age, had two children of her own and NEVER looked her mother in the eye? I believe that everyone has a right to their opinion but this was yet another unthinking sweeping statement that does nothing but make those women who couldn’t have a natural birth feel crap about themselves, bravo lady. Seriously, well done.

There was another mother, a “continuum mum” (google it, I did), who practiced elimination communication. No nappies, just being so at one with your child that you somehow know when they want to wee or poo. Sounds dangerous to me, but apparently works if you are willing to sleep with your child (with no nappy on?), not use a pushchair (even when walking to Asda for shopping) and dedicate every moment to looking out for that telling poo face on your child. If using nappies makes me a bad mother, then I’ll take it on the chin, and the thought of carrying son number two around ALL THE TIME makes my back ache, being the solid little wriggling lump he is. This mother was also so adamant she was doing the right thing that she had a pop at working mothers, believing that any detachment whatsoever from your child is harmful. Again this woman seemed to have zero tolerance for anyone not doing things the way she did.

As always when I watch or read something about how other mothers do things I was left wracked with guilt and depression. Have I done everything wrong? Would my children be worse off for having me as a mother?

I think it’s great that some women don’t use nappies, and that some women breastfeed so long. It’s even great to eat your placenta if that’s what you want to do, I wouldn’t eat it because I don’t like offal, but that is just personal taste (and I do draw the line at the umbilical cord charm, I don’t care how pretty it is when the veins catch the light), and I certainly wouldn’t judge any other mother for the choices they make. Overall I think all mothers are brilliant in their own way. But what makes me so angry and frustrated is the way many mothers, some of these included, are so adamant their way is the right way that they slag off anyone doing it different to them.

There is no right way of being a good mum. Being a good mother does not mean breastfeeding or formula feeding, it has nothing to do with staying at home or going back to work, and just because you eat your placenta does not a good mother make. A good mother answers their children’s needs, does what she can to keep her kids and everyone around her happy, but is also flexible, in that she can adapt to the changing needs of her children, realise that she doesn’t always get it right and be open to new ideas.

We all want to do the best for our kids. We all want to be excellent mothers, but the fact is ALL mothers fuck up their kids to some degree, however “good” we think we are, it’s just a matter of how much. And we won’t know that until they grow up and look us in the eye, or not.