Friday, 26 August 2011

Inside the Mind of an Insomniac

11.07pm, that’s good. That’s acceptable. If the kids wake me up at 7 that’s nearly 8 hours sleep. The recommended 8 hours. That’s good, except it’s usually more like 6am. That’s fine. We can deal with that. Mmm, nice comfy bed, so tired, drifting… Is the window open? I need the window open.

Ooh must remember to get that new baby card and gift tomorrow. How can I fit that into the day? I could pop to the shops on the way to the play date, so I’ll go to that little Tesco on the way. But… a card from Tesco? Surely I can do better than that. Maybe I could just pop into M&S, could get a gift there too… No, stop this. It’s time to sleep, not to play out tomorrow in your head. Think about it tomorrow.

Right, stop thinking, clear your mind, empty it, clear it out… see now you’re just thinking the words. Stop talking to yourself in your head woman. It’s the first sign of madness (there have been other signs, you’re skating close to the edge here) no, don’t think about that now.

OK back to clearing, and we’re clearing, we’re emptying, clear and empty, empty and clear, there’s those words again, try thinking in pictures. Right, pictures. A house (ooh that looks like a Mr Men house, maybe Mr Greedy, or is it Mr Messy, definitely Mr Messy, wonder if there is any significance about the fact that it was Mr Messy’s house that popped into my head?) No, we’re thinking pictures, PICTURES. A dog, a cat (did I remember to give Expensive Cat his medicine?)

You’re thinking again.

OK let’s try relaxing. Start with the top of your head, and relax your head, soft head, relax your face, soft face, no that’s forcing, you don’t need to look like you’ve had a stroke, just smooth out the muscles, now the neck, ow ow cramp, OK stop relaxing.

Maybe I should just get up and do something else, OK let’s get up. No, you need to sleep. Get up. Stay in bed. Get up. No, don’t. Aaaargh.

Just calm down and try something else. The beach thing. You’re on a beach, listening to the waves. I can hardly remember what it’s like, has it really been five years since our last holiday? Really must address that issue, we’ve just spend £500 on a darn cat for gods sake I’m sure we can find a few hundred for a week in Bognor next year. So the beach thing didn’t work.

Mum always used to tell me to think of black when I couldn’t sleep. Right, black. Black. BLACK! Isn’t black a weird word? Stop it. Just think black. Amy Winehouse Back to Black (god is she really dead? Still can’t get my head around it) stop, we’re thinking black. Little black dress, black sky, Black Sunday (What was that? I’m sure it’s something I should know at my age), oh for goodness sake woman this isn’t a word association game, it’s a getting to sleep exercise.

Look at the man over there, snoring away. How can he be sleeping like that while I’m going through this turmoil? It isn’t fair. Maybe if I just give him a little kick he’ll wake up and keep me company. Or maybe an elbow in the ribs… Jesus, he’s a deep sleeper. I’m so jealous. Now you’re just getting angry, that is not helping.

Right what time is it? 1.07. Oh god, I’ve been at this for 2 hours? I’m exhausted. If I go to sleep now that’s 4 hours and 53… now 52, minutes. Ok that’s doable. If you just sleep now, now, NOW! That didn’t work either.

You clearly can’t sleep because there’s too much going on in your mind, so write it all down:
-         buy card
-         cat medicine
-         holiday???
-         Practice serene relaxed facial expressions in mirror
-         What was Black Sunday?
-         Buy some herbal sleeping pills.

That’s better. OK time to sleep. Mmm comfy bed. What time is it now? 2am. OK I can live on 4 hours sleep. When the kids were babies I lived on much less sleep, I did eat more cake in those days however. Oooh, cake. If I get no sleep I can totally justify eating cake tomorrow. Stop it, we’ve already cleared the mind, don’t start adding new things to the list.

Just sleep. Soft things, cloudy, soft pillows, nice and relaxed, floating, it’s working! What was all that nonsense about not being able to sleep? Mmm, drifting…

“MUMMY? It’s morning!”

Oh bollocks.

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