Monday 9 May 2011

Don't Judge Me

There isn’t much that pisses me off but people saying that I “don‘t work” is one of them. I know it’s only semantics but the term “work” is loaded with connotations. I’m sure most people who say it don’t mean it this way but it does imply that I do nothing, despite having 2 kids, a man and a house to care for. To me it just sounds judgemental. They say political correctness has gone too far so why haven’t they come up with a politically correct term for what I, and many other mums, do?

As a “housewife” you feel unbelievable pressure to have a perfectly turned out home, perfectly behaved kids, home cooked meals on the table every day and spend every available second dedicated to furthering your children’s development, because if you were to go out to work, that is what a childminder or nursery would do. Staying at home is not just physically but mentally draining, so have to find for yourself those rare decompression times at some points during the day lest you go insane with boredom, stress or both (thank you Cbeebies). Being a stay at home mum (or any mum for that matter, just compounded for stay at homes, as there is no break from it) is not good for the self esteem either, as children are notoriously hard to please (“I won’t eat that toast now you have cut it into squares instead of triangles“) and honest ("isn’t your tummy wobbly?"). Imagine if a boss said either of those things, they have trade unions for that kind of thing.

It’s the insinuation of luxury that pisses me off. That in some way I live some kind of ‘lady who lunches’ life of luxury. We can’t afford holidays, savings, nice cars or pensions, so being a stay at home mum is no more glamorous than going out to work. I do occasionally go out to lunch, but probably a lot less than I did when I used to go out to work (I had a lunch break then for starters). And on the rare occasion when I do decide to go out to lunch it is not particularly enjoyable, having 2 small children to keep under control, not to mention the disapproving glances from people who think that children under 8 should be kept under house arrest lest they spoil the experience for everyone else.

The other thing that grates is when people say “aren’t you lucky?” I don’t think that luck comes into it, we all make choices in our lives and those choices, more often than not, determine where we are today. Maybe I am “lucky” in that I have a fella that earns enough to just about support us all (and I am ever grateful and appreciative for that) but I’d consider myself a hell of a lot “luckier” if I had done a degree or training before having children which gave me a job that paid well enough to justify me going out to work. Therefore paying someone who actually knew what they were doing to look after my precious offspring, unlike me bumbling around not having a clue - just another thing to feel guilty about.

I personally think there is an awful lot of pressure on women these days. If you go out to work you feel guilty for not being there with your children, and if you don’t you feel guilty for not being the perfect mother, “having it all” and providing for your family. I don't love my children any more or less being a stay at home mum than those that work, nor am I any better or worse mother for it, but the life of any mother is a life of feeling constantly judged. The last government made it perfectly clear where it stood, all mothers should go out to work, full stop. But to me that’s just as bad as saying everyone should have a dog, it’s not a case of one size fits all and where is personal choice in all this? There’s no “should“, women should not stay at home nor go out to work, women should do what is right for their family and we should be freed from this unbearable burden of guilt we are all carrying.

My point is that this burden is not made any easier for me personally by the terms available for what I do. “Housewife” is long gone, and doesn’t apply to me anyway because I’m not a wife (and house partner sounds wrong because despite “partner” supposedly being universal, you can‘t help but think “gay“), house mother would be more apt but that makes me sound like some matronly woman with a shelf of a bosom looking after children at boarding school. Stay at home mum sounds far too cute for what I do, child tamer would be more apt. But “not working” is by far the most irritating term there is.

I think it just upsets me that still, despite our time of political correctness and trying to be more sensitive to people feelings, the labels we have do not accurately reflect the life of a stay at home mum (child tamer). And it’s those two “not working” and “lucky” labels that I hate. Not working is being lazy. Lucky is winning the lottery, it is not sentencing yourself to day after day of shitty nappies and relentless routine. Maybe it’s time to polish up the CV.

4 comments:

  1. what a brilliant rant for mums everywhere!
    There is a politically correct term for thisand i have heard of people using it...... you are a Domestic Engineer, sounds better eh? you still dont get a lunch break and the pay is shit though! x

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  2. Very well put Beth! I'm getting fed up with the comments about me being able to work more when youngest starts school in Sept. They don't realise I do actually work in the week as it is and have worked every saturday for last 3 yrs! It is impossible to work full time as I have no family willing or available to look after kids during school holidays.

    You should be able to have the choice to not work and be with your children, the government have made that basically impossible for as they tax us soo much. And it is true that being at work is often easier, as you said, you get a proper lunch break, time to yourself for a start.

    At the end of the day everyones circumstances are different and were all just trying to stumble along best we can :)

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  3. Excellent Beth - comments I have had from people when i returned to wok
    "It will be good for me"" - err why?
    "i couldnt have returned to work" thanks, make me feel more guilty than i already do!
    "Does George miss you" - kick me whilst i am down!

    The list could go on - i think people feel the need to comment because they dont know what to say!

    To top it off, working part time i get the usual part timer comments as i am leaving work to go and collect the dry cleaning, collect my son, sort out his dinner, put in some quailty time playing in the garden,so he doesnt get rickets or some other vitamin defincicy, do some counting, just in case he goes to school in 3 years time and cant count, sort out the washing, sort out my dinner . . the list could go on! - HOw i wish i worked full time - wink!
    Keep the blogs coming . . :-)

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  4. Love the "Domestic Engineer" title - going to claim that one for myself from now on!

    And, yes, you bastards who think that staying at home is the easy option - feet up with Jeremy Kyle and all that! Try zero pay, no holidays, no sick leave, and on-call 24/7 - not many people would sign up for that!

    After having my first, I did go back to work part-time, and during that period applied for an internal post - actually, the skills I had learnt as a parent worked very well on my CV - time management, problem solving, good listening skills, working with difficult customers, handling complaints, iniative, versatility, supervisory skills, crisis control - all good stuff! I think if you can survive being a parent, any other job is a piece of piss in comparison - I certainly don't know what I found so stressful at work; this "job" is a killer!

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