Nature Vs. Nurture? What About Destiny?

The other night, on One Born Every Minute, a lady said of her newborn son "and there he was, his life already mapped out for him..." I thought to myself "Stupid woman, talking crap. He's just a baby, his life isn't all mapped out, he could be anyone or anything! How do you know his life is already determined?" But could she be right? Is there really such a thing as destiny?

I like to think that I can do anything I want and be anything I want. But totally conversely, like most people, I often use the lines “everything happens for a reason“ and “it was obviously meant to be”. Ultimately we like to think we operate a policy of free will, we live by our choices. But if that’s the case why do we feel like there is a “reason” and things are “meant to be”? We have all read our horoscopes, indeed some people live by them religiously. The way the stars were set out at the time of our birth supposedly holds some kind of key to our future. Astrologists believe our futures are already mapped out.

Say there is no such thing as astrology, that it’s all a myth. What about science? You can’t argue with genetics. As I get older the more I realise that there are things about me that I was just born with, things I simply can’t change.

For instance, I’m messy. I’ve always been messy. No matter how much I try to be tidy and feign to be house proud, the fact remains that I am messy and disorganised and I don‘t care about a little dirt. I am capable of having a tidy house and I much prefer it when it’s tidy. And I do achieve it much of the time but it is a constant struggle, it’s not something that comes naturally to me. I have friends however, whose homes are always spotless, and they seem to manage it without thinking, barely lifting a finger. It seems so natural.

I have always found any type of physical activity a bit of a struggle, despite learning to appreciate the highs that come after exercising. But some people just seem to find running/jumping/being out of breath a natural state to be in. I personally would rather be sitting still, too much jumping about makes me feel a bit dizzy.

These things are just who I am and I have no doubt they were traits that I was born with. So if my personality determines what I can do with my life, and I am born with certain traits, then to an extent my destiny must already be mapped out. Call it destiny or genetics, I was never going to be a house proud athlete.

But was it destiny that chose my man? Was that already decided for me? Maybe every single choice that has led me to him has all been part of some bigger plan. I could have had children with anyone, and produced totally different kids? Was it my children’s destiny to have us as their parents? I like to think it was.

But destiny has it’s dark side. It is an accessible and easy scapegoat for lots of bad things that happen in life and things we can‘t explain. You don’t get the job you wanted and think “it obviously wasn’t meant to be”, but the reality is there were probably other people better suited, more experienced or qualified for the position. And even the more serious things in life that happen can be explained away with flippant use of the “everything happens for a reason” line, often meant to comfort when in fact that’s the last thing it does. The truly horrible things we can’t explain, miscarriages, cancer, heart attacks, deformities, you name it, at some stage or another someone out there will have blamed destiny.

How much of who we are and what happens to us do we have control over? Why do some people seem to have it easy while for the rest of us it’s a struggle? Is that destiny or just bad luck?

Humans have long been arguing nature versus nurture. But doesn’t destiny have a place in this argument? Or does destiny fit within one of those two camps? Or work alongside them?

My four year old son has just started having nightmares. He wakes up moaning and groaning, crying and sweating. Being the slightly sad and obsessed mother I know I am, I googled it. Apparently at his age, his imagination is just starting to develop and he is learning the difference between reality and fantasy, while some nightmares are caused by things he has seen and experienced in his day. "We must protect him!" I said. I can (to a certain extent) control the external factors (such as something he's seen on telly or in a book for instance) but his own imagination developing? That's way beyond my control, indeed anyone’s control, even his own. His imagination is developing and his personality is being shaped, who or what decides who he will be? Destiny, God… himself?

The fact is some things just happen. There are nearly 7 billion people on this earth, all born in to different genetics, different geographics, upbringings, religions, the possibilities are endless. We can make our own choices and choose our paths but maybe some things are already mapped out for us. I have no idea whether or not I believe in destiny. But I like to think that I hold my own key, and can change it at will.

Phew, that was all a bit philosophical wasn't it? Coming up next time, why cats love to watch telly.