Aspirational Living

Hands up if you have ever watched a telly programme or seen a magazine advert and thought "I wish I had that life". I would expect to see all hands up right now and if you haven't well, you're either already living your best life (congratulations) or you have no hands.

These days we have what we should be, wear, own, and do rammed down our throats and we all aspire to this model of what we are told is a perfect life. But does it really matter whether our sitting room looks like page 27 of the Next catalogue, or we have the "stuff"? How many of us really, honestly, care? We're told we should, so we kinda do.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with aspiring to have "stuff" and if that is really genuinely what you want that's great, go for it. But I think if we looked deep inside ourselves we would all find something different to aspire to. Something that really matters to us personally. I'm having that all too common getting older grief for things that I will never do. I'll never be a supermodel. I'll never be the youngest person to swim the channel. I'll never be 6 foot tall with a rock hard body. I'll never be that person with the perfectly tidy house, because frankly, I'm messy. But I never actually wanted any of these things. It was just always comforting to know that it could happen, one day when I was grown up. Well, reality check, BING , you are now officially, can't hide from it, a grown up. So what do you really want? You do know what it is. It's those little thoughts you have in those oh so rare moments of peace and quiet, those dreams that have followed you since childhood and never wavered. Those niggling feelings you get when you wake up in the morning and somewhere in your brain a little voice says "I wish I could be doing XYZ today" For so long I haven't been doing what I really wanted to do because I have let life take over. "I haven't got time" I say, "there isn't enough money to do that" I wail, but the real truth? Fear.

Fear is a great little tool when you're trying to save yourself from say, a wild elephant stampede or not walking down dark streets alone at night or other things that we don't do to keep ourselves safe, because but why do we let it stop us from doing things that we really should be doing? I read somewhere:

What would you do if you weren't scared?

I'd like to modify that slightly:

What would you do if you weren't scared/thought you didn't have enough time/didn't think you were good enough?

Fear, time, whatever, they shouldn't be a good excuse. And not thinking you're good enough certainly is not. Because what are we actually scared of? Failure? Is failure really an option? If you do something you believe it and it doesn't work out does that mean you've failed? Or just that it didn't work? They are two very different things. Besides, trying something and failing is far better than not trying at all.

One of my old boyfriends had a poster in his room of a rock climber, it said "Face your fears, live your dreams". I must have laid in that bed looking at that poster for hours, I loved that phrase, I loved it so much I was thinking of getting it tattooed on me (I didn't, too scared). That was 13 years ago. Have I really faced my fears and lived my dreams? I've faced a lot of my fears, and lived some of my dreams but I have still got that niggling feeling that I should be doing more. I have so many ideas of new things to try and experiences to have but before I even try them out loud a little voice in my head always shoots me down: "Just who do you think you are? You couldn't do THAT".

But surely everyone is scared? No one ever achieved anything without a little bit of fear pushing them on. Think of someone you think is successful, were they scared? Did they give in to the fear?

Its not just about careers (although that's the biggie). It can be about tiny things, about learning a new skill, visiting that friend you haven't seen for ages because they live so far away or even just picking up the phone and giving them a call, just doing something you know you want to do but something has always stopped you, fear, time, thinking you're too busy, whatever. Don't wait, it's not going to get any easier, you're never going to have more time, it doesn't need months of research to take the first step. I'm doing it with this blog. This is my first step and it's scary but I love it. Every day is a new life.

I've just got back from visiting one of my very closest friends who is running a pub with her boyfriend, it's not just a job, it's a whole new life. She and her boyfriend are absolutely fantastic at what they do, but that must have taken some serious balls to decide "right this is what we want to do and we're doing it". That's pretty inspiring.

It seemed so much easier when I was a twenty year old with no idea what the future would hold. I made the decision to do something and I did it. Uni, living abroad, whatever, why do we get so much more scared when we get older? We have a wealth of life experience to draw on, to say nothing of more responsibilities. We should be LESS scared. But as we get older we put ourselves into little boxes of who we tell oursleves we are but are we really that person? And as the box gets smaller and smaller believe me, you will start to feel claustrophobic.

So support your friends and loved ones to follow their dreams. Encourage them, help them, believe in them. Ask them to believe in you. And if they can't or they won't? Believe in yourself. Because I do.

Freud and The Interpretation of Dreams (which is a far more intellectual title than this piece quite deserves but might pull in a few of you bookish types)

I was discussing my over active imagination (the fact that I spend much of my waking day worrying myself sick and having random thoughts that come out of nowhere and make me question what kind of a person I actually am) and vivid dreams (hideous nightmares that leave me scared to go to sleep) with a friend and we agreed that watching too many horror films probably causes most of it. The fact that I'm am borderline crazy probably being the root of the rest. So I've been trying not to watch any scary stuff on telly, read about it or hear about it and in general shield myself from anything other than raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens and other fluffy crap.

I love horror films. I really like being scared but in a controlled way. I think that's because I spend much of my life worrying about real life stuff its nice to be scared about something I don't actually NEED to be scared of. I have had the whole spectrum of nightmare genres this week: slasher/zombie gore (serious blood bath), Armageddon style end of the world (that one had some seriously good special effects), thriller (a riveting story which might make a good book) and finally, other half getting involved with a dodgy gang who wanted to kill me and the kids as pay back for other half not sticking to his side of the bargain, I left with the boys and they were all chasing us (this one probably the most sinister and chilling, dreams like this make you feel like you can't quite trust him for the rest of the day but you can't actually get away with being cross with him, bastard). But even though I have been trying to avoid dodgy stuff, most of the stories behind my nightmares could easily be seen or at least mentioned on the news, Wii or Xbox games or even family films. How do you avoid everything that might cause a bad dream?

Anyway, my friend reckons dreams are a manifestation of issues people have in their lives and can tell us things about ourselves. This is more or less what Freud thought (although he also said that most of those issues were sexual, not quite sure what he'd make of my random mixed bag of dreams and don't think I'd want to). I've just been on dreammoods.com and checked out some of my nightmares last week, they all say feeling overwhelmed, out of control and insecure. Nice, but nothing new as far as I'm concerned. I've been feeling overwhelmed, out of control and insecure pretty much my entire life, what made last week any different?

Well, last week I heard about the most recent threat on our security as a planet, a solar storm. I was picturing big fireballs blasting into the earth knocking earth off its axis and causing extinction of the human race (and, funnily enough, this was exactly what I dreamed about), I watched an episode of Being Human in which there was a girl zombie (also one of the kids on Neighbours was playing a zombie game), and I watched an episode of Neighbours where a mechanic was doing dodgy deals with a bunch of gangsters, hmmm, ring any bells? And yes OK, I watch a lot of Neighbours, I like it, alright? But given that it seems to have been the root cause of two nightmares this week I may have to limit my night time viewing of it. At this rate I'm going to be stuck sat watching Peppa Pig in the evenings and not getting to watch anything good. Although I wouldn't put it past my brain to find something scary and sinister about Peppa. Come to think of it that Mrs Rabbit must be some kind of gangster, she seems to run every business in town. Anyway...

I really don't know whether or not dreams really do mean anything. When I was growing up my Dad swore he had never had a dream in his life. Didn't know how it felt or even understood the concept of a dream because he'd never remembered one. I always thought he was missing out (although this last week I would give anything for a dreamless sleep, I'm bloody knackered). It begs the question whether or not he did dream but just didn't remember them. But if that's the case, what's the point in having dreams if you're not going to remember them? Does our subconscious somehow work through issues while we are asleep and entirely unaware? How would that actually help? Surprisingly enough, I'm not actually a neuro-scientist so I wouldn't know the science behind it, and I'm not sure I'm clever enough to understand it even if I tried.

What if someone who previously never dreamed suddenly starts remembering their dreams? Does that mean they now have "issues"? Sorry, Freud, I just don't buy it.

So do you remember your dreams? Do you think they tell you something about yourself or just a jumbled up mess of crap that you have seen during the day? Is there anyone out there reading this that understands "the science bit" and can explain it in a way that an overwhelmed, out of control and insecure person with severe baby brain could understand?

Rant and polite request

Call me over sensitive but going around trying to be happier doesn't half make you realise what a bunch of miserable bastards everyone else is.

I know times are tough right now, mass unemployment, faltering economy, threat of terrorist attack, wars, famines, floods, earthquakes... it makes for a scary and insecure world, but surely this is the time more than ever that we should all be pulling together and cheering each other up.

As a rule I'm am, and always have been, one of those people that really tries to be polite, sometimes almost over polite and over apologetic (which is probably quite annoying at times I admit). I'm the person that apologises when YOU tread on MY toe, I say sorry to supermarket staff when asking for help and I always smile when I catch someones eye (unless that person looks particularly scary).

Two things have happened recently that have really made me question what kind of "community" we live in. Last week I took the boys to McDonald's for dinner (don't judge me, it was a Friday afternoon, I'd had a hard week and my son had been begging me to go all week). I had done quite a bit of shopping that afternoon so my buggy was fully loaded with shopping, an 18 month old and a 4year old on a buggy board (yes I know, what a cliched McDonald's customer I am). I was so stressed and just get wanted to some food down the kids so we could get out of there that I forgot how loaded the buggy was. As soon as I tried to take little one out of the buggy it went over backwards and he ended up on the floor, standard comedy situation of tins of beans rolling all over the place and fruit being bruised while I was struggling trying to pick him and buggy up and save my shopping from being spread all over MacD's. Not ONE person offered to help me or even asked if I was OK. Everyone just stared. I can't tell you how shocked I was. I mean, if I had seen that I would have most definitely offered help, or are people simply scared of offering help these days in case they accidentally ask one of those "get out of my face whats your effing problem" people who seem to have a completely bizarre view on what is actually rude and what is considered polite ("You smiling at me yeah? Something funny is it? Rude bitch.").

The second thing that happened was I was reversing out of a parking space in Sainsbury's and almost ran over the trolley guy who was pushing a load of trolleys. He wasn't there when I started moving and I felt that he had not seen that I was moving and had almost pushed his trolleys into me, but he clearly thought it was my fault. But when I saw him I smiled and put my hand up and mouthed sorry but he walked away shouting and throwing his hands up. I had my 2 small kids in the car so didn't want to open the window to hear what he was actually saying but everyone was staring and he caused quite a scene. I was actually quite upset, not only because this guy was an employee of Sainsbury's (you almost expect it from most people these days) but because I had given him the benefit of the doubt so why couldn't he have done the same? I have almost been run over in car parks myself (I have been told I have a very poor spatial awareness maybe that explains why I keep almost running people over and almost getting run over myself but still no excuse for rudeness), I tend to apologise or at the very least smile and say don't worry about it, this was an actual employee of a company with whom I had just spent a lot of money, regardless of whose fault it was surely a bit of common courtesy is not too much to ask?

I know everyone has tough times, there are always people going through an even tougher time than others but still, everyone just seems to be so angry these days. At the risk of sounding ancient what is the world coming to? I can remember asking my grandma what do I do when I catch someones eye? She said you always, always smile. It puts people at ease, makes you feel good and above all it's polite. It's quite rare these days to get a smile back, why is this? I've got to be honest in that if someone looks as if they might take the smile the wrong way ("What you doing smiling at my boyfriend? You trying it on with him innit? Slag") I just look away, but surely I'm perpetuating this situation myself? Maybe I'm wrong, but since when did going through a tough time excuse bad behaviour? I'm sad to admit I have done it myself occasionally, I'm having a hard day, getting arsey with slow drivers or tutting and pushing past people who are meandering around the supermarket with clearly the whole day to spare when I am already late for picking up my son from preschool. But actually, is it their fault I'm late? Is it their fault I'm having a hard day? No. I recently had an experience of someone who always, always seemed to be angry, and looking for more excuses to be angry. Nothing anyone ever did was right, no one was having as much of a hard time, and frankly from where I was sitting this person made other peoples lives unhappy and did not seem to be having a good time themselves. I really don't get these people that seem to think its right that life should be/is miserable. Life's a bitch and then you die. Seriously what's that all about?

There often isn't anything you can do about your situation but we're all in this together, everyone has shit times, and sometimes a smile from a kind stranger can lift your spirits and make you feel all is not lost. So might I politely request that even if you don't feel happy, try to act happy, and you will make life much more pleasant for yourself and those around you.

Rant over.

All or nothing

dThis last week I have lost 2 days and 2 nights to being drunk/hungover. And not just being a bit merry, actually getting so drunk I can barely remember what I did (and definitely can't remember what I said), and then so hungover that I'm either still drunk in the morning (too drunk to drive my son to preschool so I had to walk, wearing sunglasses, trying not to puke... oh the shame of it) or so hungover that I can barely get dressed and no amount of Berocca, paracetamol or pints of water seems to help. That strikes me as being a tad excessive.

We are a generation of excess. We're fatter, lazier, smoke more, drink more, take more drugs, have more opportunities available to us, but according to previous generations we're less friendly and polite and generally more miserable. So why do we do it to ourselves?

Every time I try and cut back on the booze it gets to the time when the kids are in bed (wine o clock) and I just think "ooh just one cheeky little glass would be delicious right now" and if I have wine in the house its like its calling me, I have to drink it. It's not like an addiction, it more a compulsion. It's a way of treating myself, being a little bit naughty, rebelling even, and just because I've had a hard day and frankly, I deserve it.

Do we really deserve it? Any more than previous generations? Far be it from me to have a pop at "the media" but you can't move these days for adverts suggesting "treat yourself" and "you're worth it". But actually are any of these things really making us feel any better? Surely we're worth not doing these things, surely we deserve to feel the best we can?

When I'm drinking I KNOW I'm going to feel rough the next day. And the smoking, as a rule I don't smoke before 7pm but the last couple of weeks when stressed I have found myself popping out for one or two during the day. And literally the second I have the first drag and I get that delicious head rush, I also start to feel a bit sick, have a horrid taste in my mouth and about ten minutes later start to feel absolutely exhausted. I'm also far more stressed and pissed off afterwards not only because I feel rough but I feel kind of gross for doing it at all. It doesn't make me feel better, its not a treat, it makes me feel like crap so why do I do it? I can't even claim any kind of physical addiction, because I'm alot less stressed when I haven't smoked that day and am alot less pissy and cross without the fags. I never feel like I need a cigarette, I just want one, and I deserve to get what I want so I'm going to have it dammit. It's that compulsion over addiction thing again. And I know I should give up. And I've done that, but then I just feel all deprived and jealous when people around me are smoking (surely I deserve one too!).

I can say the same thing about diet. For most people, a sensible healthy diet with lots of fruit and veg actually does make you feel great! Full of energy and vitality. So why then do I feel deprived and like I am missing out on treats and "why do I have to do this, I've had a bad day surely I deserve a whole family pack of maltesers in the evening?" But that whole pack of maltesers is probably going to make me feel almost instantly sick, regretful and totally thwart my weight loss efforts for that week. Ridiculous.

Why are we programmed this way? So much stuff that makes us feel "good" in the short term makes us feel rubbish in the long term. And its pretty much all about consumption, we feel like we must consume things. But why must we feel we must consume to excess? Is life really that bad?

OK so everything in moderation is the key here. But I just can't do temperance. I'm basically an all or nothing kind of girl. If I'm drinking I'm drinking every night, if I'm smoking I'm smoking a lot, if I'm eating one malteser I'm eating the whole bag. I find it much easier to completely avoid something than to have just one glass, or just a few maltesers.
 
Is it just me that is like this? Is temperance something that comes with maturity and wisdom? Am I basically just being childish here? Possibly. And now I've written this I really feel like I want a fag (but I'm not going to have one, maybe just a malteser or two, surely I deserve a little treat...)

Happiness...

Should we aspire to constant happiness or does having periods of unhappiness make us more appreciative of the good times?

So a few things have happened over the last few weeks that have got me thinking about happiness (be aware I have often been accused of being an over-thinker - in fact I accuse myself of it on pretty much a daily basis). So anyway, in my opinion, a rich, full life has ups and downs and as long as things start to go back up after a down period I think you're doing quite well. But there seems to be quite a few people in the downward shift at the moment, myself included, and when things aren't going well I do find I can get totally bogged down in the negative. I get stuck in the slumps. Sometimes I actually think myself into being depressed, anxious and generally fuck myself over but then eventually, and with a bit of dedication, I can usually find a positive somewhere to cling on to and that often starts the process of pulling myself out. I'm really aware of this about myself (because I'm an over thinker) but I actually think that everyone does it to some extent. So as well as being able to make ourselves miserable we also have the capacity to think ourselves into happiness (aren't human beings amazing? Surely life would be much easier as a fish, or, like, a cat or something, I bet they don't have to deal with or even think about all this shit...
Cat: "Oh look my bowl has food in it again. Oh look my bowl is empty"
and Fish: "Oh look! Is this stone food? Nope, its just a stone. Oh look, is this stone food? Nope, its just a stone. Oh look...!"
What an easy life! Anyway, I digress again sorry).

It takes time to get ourselves happy again but the fact is we usually do. So should we try and do that all the time? I have been reading a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben, a writer who, by her own admission, had pretty much everything she could want but felt she still wasn't quite happy enough. So she embarked on a year long quest to try and up her happiness levels by having a series of resolutions geared towards making the best out of her life. Quite interesting and where I'm at now in the book it does seem to be working.

In the last couple of weeks I have had a course of Bowen treatment (a way of realigning the body to treat backache and other issues) and the therapist is one of those intensely happy people. I mean, I like to think of myself as pretty happy go lucky, you know, chirpy; but this woman takes happiness to a whole new level. As soon as you walk in the room she is grinning from ear to ear and positively exudes happiness from every pore of her being. I really liked her. I wish I could be like that (although I do think I am probably annoying enough to a lot of people and I know that as much as I love overly happy people, as many people do, certain other people find them bloody annoying, although to be fair those people are usually miserable bastards, but I'm getting off topic again here). There's something about happy people that draws you in (and the skeptics among you will say maybe that's how she got me to spend £45 a session on a treatment where she spends alot of time out of the room). So I get the impression she is a hardcore positive thinker. I mean, I honestly can't imagine this woman to ever have had a negative thought. I'm sure she has her ups and downs the same as everyone else but it does seem as if she has chosen to be happy and be positive. I think she could put a positive spin on any situation:
"Honey, I need to speak to you."
"Ooh how exciting, do tell."
"Well the thing is I've sort of been having an affair."
"Darling thats wonderful, at least one of us is getting some sex."

Obviously that is an entirely made up situation. But wouldn't it be great to be like that? Or not? Should we aspire to that constant happiness or should we take the rough with the smooth? Does being miserable make you appreciate the happy times more, or does happy breed more happy (much in the same way as negative seems to breed more negative). My argument is sometimes when things are really shit its so bloody hard to be happy, to find a positive, and when its taking all you've got just to get through the day surely trying to be happy as well is just too much effort? But then does positive thinking become a habit, easier over time, until its just second nature? Something the therapist said last night got me thinking. She said its important to replace the negative (as in different aches and pains I've been getting) with something positive. If you leave a hole there it can easily get filled with negativity again. Ok its easy to scoff at that kind of notion but when you think about it it kind of makes alot of sense. Replace the negative with the positive and gradually build yourself up to being a tower of positivity. So this morning I have been trying to notice when I have negative thoughts and replace them with a positive. And you know what? It's kind of nice. I don't know how real it is but then who wants real when you can have nice, and happy? I'll take fake and happy any day. Maybe that makes me an osterich with my head in the sand but hey, that's just your negative take on the situation.

Any thoughts anyone?

Happy endings?

Well I'm on day 2 of my quest to just to write, write and write some more and have got about 1200 words into a little short story which I'm quite enjoying (I may or may not post it at some stage depending on how brave I get!).

One of the things that has become apparent to me over the years of attempting to write is that I come up with great opening paragraphs, I know how to get people hooked into a story but then it often fizzles out as I don't really know where to go with it. One of the ways of the suggested ways of combatting this is to write the end first, or write the middle first so I know where to fill in the blanks. Good idea.

So I am now considering writing the ending of my story so I know where its headed, but as with all stories there are a number of potential outcomes. One of the reasons I love childrens novels is the simplicity of them, more often than not all of the themes are tied up by the end of the book, usually happy. Good tends to win over evil, and you know exactly where you are leaving the characters - usually happy, fufilled, safe and loved. I get a great deal of satisfaction from these kinds of stories, I like it when everything turns out right.

I do find "grown-up" books (and films) can often  leave things unresolved or with an un-happy ending, all very artistic and cultured and probably a bit more realistic I'm sure, but it leaves me feeling a bit cheated.

I think books/films/stories are meant to be an escape from daily life. Some people like to be frightened, some like to be titilated and others like to be made to laugh or cry but I think the common denominator is looking for adventure or fantasy within the comfort of our own homes. And although I enjoy the sad or confusing moments during the story, I really don't enjoy being left confused or sad at the end of it. It kind of negates the whole point of reading in the first place. I like to be left with that warm fuzzy feeling that you get from a nice happy ending!

This is what I like, but if I were to spend all my time writing just what I want to read I may end up with little or no audience! So in trying to get some insight into the kind of things real people want to read, I'd like to invite you to comment on what kind of ending you like? Happy or sad, resolved or unresolved? If you feel you don't want to elaborate, one word answers is fine. Although elaboration is also very welcome! This might help me decide on what ending I should use for my story.

And also I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has read my first post and been so supportive on FB, I really hope you will continue to follow me (you can click become a follower to the right of this page). xxx

Eeeeek!

Ok so that's probably not a very creative start for a so called "creative writer" but you gotta start somewhere. I wonder how many people's blogs have started with that very title? Millions, I expect.

OK so I've decided its now or never. Shit or bust. I either get on and become a writer or a shut up about it and go and work in an office or something, do whats expected of me, a responsible 'wife' and mother. I've always had this dream, it's time to live it or put the whole thing to rest and get on with my life. Thing is I just hate waste. And I can't help but think I'm a big old bag of wasted potential. So this blog is going to be about my journey of striving to become a real, proper, legitimate writer.

I've always love to write. I used to write little books as a child and illustrate them myself, then I read my first Judy Blume book aged about 8 and it just blew me away. No matter where I was or what I was doing when I was reading a book suddenly I wasn't at home, or in the playground, I was living a new adventure or feeling new feelings and that was when the whole world just opened up to me. I could be anyone, go anywhere or feel anything, real or imagined, just by opening a book. That was when I realised I wanted to write and take people on the journeys and adventures of my imagination, my world.

I completed a BA in Creative Studies in English well over 10 years ago now, became a Technical Writer (sounds fancy but actually involved very little writing), lived abroad, came home and had kids. During this entire time I have written very little, sporadically at best, nothing at all at worst. Each time I start another unfinished project I know where its going. Nowhere! Because although I have some talent for writing (as much as anyone can think they have without being arrogant), and have learned a skill, I don't actually know how to use it. This lack of direction stops me from really getting my teeth into a project and also gives me no idea as to whether or not anything I'm writing is marketable. How to get my writing out there. How do I make a living from it? 

I have come to realise that I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. The first step is just to write. Write, write and write again. Then write some more. Write everything and anything that comes to mind in whatever little window of time I get. I'm sure even a shopping list could become more exciting with a little bit of Beth flair, OK, maybe not but you get the gist. Hmmm maybe that would be a good idea for a writing exercise. Write a shopping list with flair. That would be a good start. One of those pointless exercises designed for nothing more than flexing the old writing muscle. I'll do that.

Also I have been taken over by THE FEAR. As long as I'm not actually writing I'm not doing it and failing, no one is laughing at me and I don't look silly, a stupid little girl with a wild fantasy...

No more fear, no more procrastination. Every little thing I do and every little step I take is a step further to realising my dream.