Friday 23 March 2012

Praise you

As far as social blunders go I’m pretty much up there with Frank Spencer, Boris Johnson and that bloke from Something from the Weekend who always breaks the gadgets and seems to think mumbling words with no inflection whatsoever makes for good TV (which somehow it does, I hate that). I often feel like I’m a walking disaster area, going through life from one banana skin to the next just waiting to crash to the floor, take out a priceless vase on my way down and break something really embarrassing (like my ass bone) in the process.

But I don’t think I’m that different to most people. We’re all socially awkward in our own way, the difference with me being I obsess over it. I’ll do or say something I later consider stupid, then allow it to roll around in my mind over and over, until it has snowballed into this massive thought knocking out all other thoughts that threaten to get in its way.

After my teenage years when I felt like nothing I ever did was cool or right, and more sleepless nights than I can remember obsessing about how crap I was, I started to censor myself to avoid as much social embarrassment as I could. Over the years I thought I was delicately honing this personality that didn’t come out of the toilet with her knickers stuck in her tights, never had home hair colouring disasters and always knew the right thing to say. In short, I tried to become a cool, sophisticated, breezy person a million miles away from who I felt inside. I don’t think I ever actually achieved that persona, but it helped to have something to aim for.

But the fact is, you can only censor yourself so much. And now that I’m a grown woman, not a shaking wreck of a fifteen year old, I can finally, finally give myself a break. Because I now know that I’m not the only person that gets it wrong sometimes, and worries about it. There are millions and millions of us out there, feeling insecure, wishing we could go back and change some small inconsequential thing that we’ve done. So we might say or do the wrong things and want to kick ourselves in the head but that person that you are thinking you said the wrong thing to? They are probably kicking themselves in their head about something they said or did to you that you didn’t even notice. And if they’re not, well good for them. But growing up has taught me that those of us who do obsess and worry can comfort ourselves in the knowledge that it’s not because we’re crap, it’s because we care.

I can be a bitch sometimes, like everyone else. But it doesn’t happen often because I have an unquenchable thirst to please people, making people happy is what I like to do best in the whole world, and I think that’s true for most people. There was an article in this months Glamour magazine saying that we should all be complimenting each other more, because it makes us feel good. Erm, hello? This is not news to me. I love to praise people, because I know only too well how hard it can be if you are an over thinker, and I don’t want to give anyone any more cause to obsess and worry than their own brain already does for them. It’s not about being dishonest, it’s about seeing the good in someone, in something and everything, and telling them how really good that thing is.

I don’t want to go through life simply not upsetting people, I want to go through life making people feel great and helping them see how utterly brilliant they are. Maybe that’s not my job but I do it anyway. Always look for, and point out, the best of everyone and everything. It’s just a shame that sometimes my own mind won’t let me praise myself. But maybe that’s my pay off. And I’m hoping that if I can see the best in others, they might, just might, be seeing the best in me too (and not notice, or at least not mention, that I’ve got toilet paper stuck to my foot).

Monday 19 March 2012

The best advice ever given

My mum rang last night to hear about my weekend shenanigans. Mums have a habit of handing out advice even when you haven't asked for it and don't need it anyway. But this time, she uncharacteristically said “Well I’m not going to say anything today”. It turns out she read my stars this week and the universe thinks I must ignore any advice from a loved one. Thanks mum, surely telling me to ignore advice constitutes advice?

Anwyay, people just love to give advice don’t they? What advice have you been given that has worked or failed? Here are a few little nuggets passed on to me over the years…

Good advice: Follow your heart
Your head may be pretty competent but your heart has the monopoly on your true feelings. When you’ve got your heart going one way and your head going another it’s all too easy to play it safe. But life is for living, rules are for bending, and hearts are for breaking. A life without heartbreak is a life unlived. Follow your heart, then deal with the pain and anguish by eating a huge bar of Fruit and Nut and having a three hour natter with your best friend. It makes everything better.

Bad advice: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with
Well there’s a recipe for pain, heartache and/or disaster if ever I heard one. If you can’t be with the one you love… mourn the one you love until you are truly over them. Don’t drag other people down to mask your heartache. Admittedly “if you can’t be with the one you love, sit at home alone crying in your pyjamas eating Dairy Milk and looking through photo albums for months on end until you’re ready to go out and meet someone new” does not have quite the same catchy ring to it as the original (covered by many) versions of the song, but it would make for a far more useful pop song.


Good advice: Don’t over think things
Note to self: Listen to this advice. Enough said.

Bad advice: Having a plan makes everything run smoothly
But having a plan also means extra time taken to make that plan, stress caused when unforeseen circumstances result in straying from the plan, and massive rows over ones rigidity in sticking to the plan: “shut up about the plan woman” (which can all add up to a miserable holiday/day out/life for all). Good advice in theory but in practise, having a plan can ruin the fun.


Good advice: Never say never
Be flexible, keep all doors open, don’t limit your opportunities; are all sound advice in my humble opinion. In fact, I said a few months ago I’d never wear a crop top in public again. The fact that I’d used the word “never” played heavily on my mind so I wore a crop top just to prove to myself I could, and got a massive confidence boost from the reaction of a bunch of young, fit lads (admittedly far too young and fit for me but still). Best. Day. Ever.

Bad advice: Just once won’t do any harm
Just one fag can get you addicted, just one glass of wine can spiral into a drinking binge of epic proportions, just one bite of the kids dinner at dishing up time can result in hungry children and extra pounds on the scale (and not being able to wear a crop top in public). Take it from me, just once can do a lot of harm.


Good advice: Don’t wash with soap
The main ingredient in soap and shower gel? Sodium lauryl sulphate, which is also used to clean engines. Seriously, how dirty can you be? I just wish water smelled nicer, coming out of the shower smelling of, erm… water is not as nice as coming out smelling of rose and jasmine. OK, don’t wash with soap may be good advice as far as the condition of your skin is concerned but bad advice if you like to smell nice (which I do, just to stop the soap dodging comments flooding in).

Bad advice: That spot/scab is ready…
Really? OK go on then. Great, now I have a huge hole in my face three times the size of the original spot, weeping pus like the mouth of a drooling baby. The spot is ready? Stick some concealer on it and leave it the fuck alone.


But the best advice of all time is never, ever give advice. Or at least always issue a warning/disclaimer with it.

Disclaimer: All advice is taken at your risk, don’t come crying to me if you get your heart broken, the spot gets infected or your friends don’t want to sit next to you because you don’t smell of rose and jasmine…