Friday 24 February 2012

The M Word

I’ve now been officially on my own for a month and it’s time to start getting finances sorted. I am stepping out into the world on my own, all wobbly legged like Bambi. The decision to stay at home with the boys was made when I was part of a team, and had the financial support of the man, now things are different, it’s time to get serious.

The other night our good friend, who works in mortgages, got together with us to discuss mortgages and all the hideous stuff that follows, urghhh. I am idealistic and a total dreamer when it comes to cash. Money will come to me if I need it, right who’s for another cup of tea and a slice of homemade cake? The fact that you can’t live without money makes me feel claustrophobic, and I just want to put my fingers in my ears and go “lalalalalalala” really loud. Frankly I would rather eat my own head than have anything to do with it at all, but sadly that is not an option.

I always look forward to visits from our good friend, despite the fact that it sometimes means discussing the “m” word, because he always gives me a kick up the arse and reminds me that the key to success is doing, and the key to doing is having the confidence to do it.

I don’t think it will come as a surprise to our good friend that when the man introduced us, 13 years ago, I thought he was an arrogant prick. He was a bit of a wideboy, all expensive shirts and expensive hair cuts, talking targets and goals. Stuff that I, as a student in second hand jeans customised into flares, charity shop coat, hair cut by a friend, uncaring attitude to money and using the word “man” far more than was necessary (or cool for that matter), couldn’t have been less interested in. That doesn’t mean I disliked him, I loved everyone (man), and for some reason he thought I was OK. However now, 13 years on (homemade flares thankfully a distant memory) I no longer see an arrogant prick. I see someone whose confidence and self belief was completely justified. He set himself goals and achieved every one of them, and he’s barely thirty. What an inspiration.

We were having a discussion about my writing career (or lack of) and my unfailing belief that I am going to make it as a writer. He gave me quite a hard time, as he should. We’re talking money here, getting food on the table and a roof over my kids head. I no longer have the financial support of the man to go off on my creative whims, writing when I feel like it, spending hours a week writing a blog just because I like to entertain people, having a vague belief that I will be successful somewhere in the future. He asked me what makes me so arrogant to believe that I can get somewhere with all this? What facts have I got to back it up?

I was quite affronted at being called arrogant. My self confidence is on the floor right now, I couldn’t possibly be arrogant. But there is a big difference between arrogance and confidence, and many of us fail to see it. I know I do. Arrogance is just unjustified confidence. Arrogance is probably the single least attractive trait in people, but not wanting to be arrogant is not a good reason to avoid being confident in yourself. You don’t have to shout your confidence from the rooftops, only arrogance is loud, confidence is quiet.

I have a dream but that is not enough. I am a good writer but that is not enough. I need to start earning money from writing or its game over. No one else can do this for me. I have an unfailing belief in myself that I was put here to write. To entertain people, make them laugh, cry, think, whatever. I could go and get a job in Tesco, I could work nights in a bar, I could find a million and one ways to eke out a living and find the money to pay my mortgage and support my kids. But none of them mean anything to me. I don’t want to just pay the mortgage, I want a successful life. And successful to me means doing something that I believe in. It’s not about being the next JK Rowling, having a huge house and squillions in the bank, it’s about spending what precious time I have on the planet doing something I care about, and earning enough money to pay the bills.

The man always said I was lucky. So lucky to have a dream and a passion for something when so many others do not. I want to make sure that I do my dream justice and make it happen.

I had a moral wrangling with myself about adding a donate button to this blog. But I don’t consider it begging, more a tips jar. I’m the waitress who made you smile over your coffee.

So you will now see a donate button (Paypal) and a Tips Jar (Google Checkout), you can use either one, whichever is most convenient for you. If I make you smile one day or give you something to think about maybe you might think about giving me a tip.

And you never know, there might be a billionaire out there who can spare fifty grand and thinks I’m worth it. But that is unjustified and therefore arrogance.

Monday 20 February 2012

Vulnerability is the new cool

I’ve had a nice chilled out weekend. It was only my second weekend alone. The man had the kids and what I really wanted to do was go out on the town and let my hair down, show the world that I am now single and ready to party. Unfortunately, thanks to a lingering virus that has left me with a gargantuan gland on the left hand side of my neck (named Beryl), I knew I needed to act the grown up and concentrate on getting better.

Faced with an entire weekend alone and over 3500 hours of culture, documentaries and the like to choose from my On Demand service, I could really have educated myself. But, not wanting to stress myself out at all by using my brain to actually learn something, I decided to go for an entire series of The Bachelor. A programme where one man has to propose to one woman he chooses out of the original thirty. I thought it would be nice sentimental, drivelly guff.

I’m always looking for answers and ways to explain the world, but did not expect to get it from this sentimental, drivelly guff. At one point the guy spoke to his therapist because he was finding it hard to open up to the women. And his therapist said that in order to find true love, he must make himself vulnerable, and in that vulnerability was strength.

I don’t like the idea of being vulnerable. I have always been very careful not to show my vulnerabilities, and keep a part of myself back to avoid getting hurt. But having kids makes you instantly vulnerable. You have to be brave and lay your heart on the line. Be willing to give your entire self over to that tiny person who needs you, and the family you create. Sometimes you take a gamble and it pays off, sometimes it doesn’t. But unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable you will never experience true love.

Many of us try to hide our vulnerabilities. We like to show the world that we are strong and think being vulnerable is a weakness. But that’s wrong. Being vulnerable takes bravery, but also brings the biggest rewards.

And not just in the love stakes. Occasionally being vulnerable is essential in all areas of life. Trying something that you may not be sure about, being willing to take that risk. I risk a part of myself every time I put my fingers to the keys of this computer. Sometimes the risk doesn’t pay off, sometimes it results in a blah blog post that day, or a rubbish short story. But it’s usually when I have been my most vulnerable that someone comments on my blog and says I have made them laugh, or made them think, or made them happy… and that is the greatest reward for me. That is a connection I am making with someone, you, and that is what I love about writing. Making a connection with someone, maybe someone I’ve never even met is my reward for being vulnerable.

But you can’t make a connection unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable, and show a side of yourself that is often hidden. You need to be able to be yourself, and risk being hurt.

I read somewhere that the best writers are the ones that are not scared to show every part of them to the world. I don’t think that just applies to writers, I think it applies to everyone, in work, in relationships, in life. The biggest innovations, the most brilliant art, the deepest relationships are all the result of someone being vulnerable.

I’m not saying we should all walk around naked, and over-share at every opportunity but I do think that we should all be a little more willing to show our vulnerability. By being vulnerable we make deeper relationships, truer connections and more real progress. And only then do we find the sweetest rewards in life.

No man or woman is an island. However much they might want to be.

And everyone thinks I watch rubbish on TV. Next week, the deep philosophical themes running under the surface of TOWIE.