All or nothing

dThis last week I have lost 2 days and 2 nights to being drunk/hungover. And not just being a bit merry, actually getting so drunk I can barely remember what I did (and definitely can't remember what I said), and then so hungover that I'm either still drunk in the morning (too drunk to drive my son to preschool so I had to walk, wearing sunglasses, trying not to puke... oh the shame of it) or so hungover that I can barely get dressed and no amount of Berocca, paracetamol or pints of water seems to help. That strikes me as being a tad excessive.

We are a generation of excess. We're fatter, lazier, smoke more, drink more, take more drugs, have more opportunities available to us, but according to previous generations we're less friendly and polite and generally more miserable. So why do we do it to ourselves?

Every time I try and cut back on the booze it gets to the time when the kids are in bed (wine o clock) and I just think "ooh just one cheeky little glass would be delicious right now" and if I have wine in the house its like its calling me, I have to drink it. It's not like an addiction, it more a compulsion. It's a way of treating myself, being a little bit naughty, rebelling even, and just because I've had a hard day and frankly, I deserve it.

Do we really deserve it? Any more than previous generations? Far be it from me to have a pop at "the media" but you can't move these days for adverts suggesting "treat yourself" and "you're worth it". But actually are any of these things really making us feel any better? Surely we're worth not doing these things, surely we deserve to feel the best we can?

When I'm drinking I KNOW I'm going to feel rough the next day. And the smoking, as a rule I don't smoke before 7pm but the last couple of weeks when stressed I have found myself popping out for one or two during the day. And literally the second I have the first drag and I get that delicious head rush, I also start to feel a bit sick, have a horrid taste in my mouth and about ten minutes later start to feel absolutely exhausted. I'm also far more stressed and pissed off afterwards not only because I feel rough but I feel kind of gross for doing it at all. It doesn't make me feel better, its not a treat, it makes me feel like crap so why do I do it? I can't even claim any kind of physical addiction, because I'm alot less stressed when I haven't smoked that day and am alot less pissy and cross without the fags. I never feel like I need a cigarette, I just want one, and I deserve to get what I want so I'm going to have it dammit. It's that compulsion over addiction thing again. And I know I should give up. And I've done that, but then I just feel all deprived and jealous when people around me are smoking (surely I deserve one too!).

I can say the same thing about diet. For most people, a sensible healthy diet with lots of fruit and veg actually does make you feel great! Full of energy and vitality. So why then do I feel deprived and like I am missing out on treats and "why do I have to do this, I've had a bad day surely I deserve a whole family pack of maltesers in the evening?" But that whole pack of maltesers is probably going to make me feel almost instantly sick, regretful and totally thwart my weight loss efforts for that week. Ridiculous.

Why are we programmed this way? So much stuff that makes us feel "good" in the short term makes us feel rubbish in the long term. And its pretty much all about consumption, we feel like we must consume things. But why must we feel we must consume to excess? Is life really that bad?

OK so everything in moderation is the key here. But I just can't do temperance. I'm basically an all or nothing kind of girl. If I'm drinking I'm drinking every night, if I'm smoking I'm smoking a lot, if I'm eating one malteser I'm eating the whole bag. I find it much easier to completely avoid something than to have just one glass, or just a few maltesers.
 
Is it just me that is like this? Is temperance something that comes with maturity and wisdom? Am I basically just being childish here? Possibly. And now I've written this I really feel like I want a fag (but I'm not going to have one, maybe just a malteser or two, surely I deserve a little treat...)

Happiness...

Should we aspire to constant happiness or does having periods of unhappiness make us more appreciative of the good times?

So a few things have happened over the last few weeks that have got me thinking about happiness (be aware I have often been accused of being an over-thinker - in fact I accuse myself of it on pretty much a daily basis). So anyway, in my opinion, a rich, full life has ups and downs and as long as things start to go back up after a down period I think you're doing quite well. But there seems to be quite a few people in the downward shift at the moment, myself included, and when things aren't going well I do find I can get totally bogged down in the negative. I get stuck in the slumps. Sometimes I actually think myself into being depressed, anxious and generally fuck myself over but then eventually, and with a bit of dedication, I can usually find a positive somewhere to cling on to and that often starts the process of pulling myself out. I'm really aware of this about myself (because I'm an over thinker) but I actually think that everyone does it to some extent. So as well as being able to make ourselves miserable we also have the capacity to think ourselves into happiness (aren't human beings amazing? Surely life would be much easier as a fish, or, like, a cat or something, I bet they don't have to deal with or even think about all this shit...
Cat: "Oh look my bowl has food in it again. Oh look my bowl is empty"
and Fish: "Oh look! Is this stone food? Nope, its just a stone. Oh look, is this stone food? Nope, its just a stone. Oh look...!"
What an easy life! Anyway, I digress again sorry).

It takes time to get ourselves happy again but the fact is we usually do. So should we try and do that all the time? I have been reading a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben, a writer who, by her own admission, had pretty much everything she could want but felt she still wasn't quite happy enough. So she embarked on a year long quest to try and up her happiness levels by having a series of resolutions geared towards making the best out of her life. Quite interesting and where I'm at now in the book it does seem to be working.

In the last couple of weeks I have had a course of Bowen treatment (a way of realigning the body to treat backache and other issues) and the therapist is one of those intensely happy people. I mean, I like to think of myself as pretty happy go lucky, you know, chirpy; but this woman takes happiness to a whole new level. As soon as you walk in the room she is grinning from ear to ear and positively exudes happiness from every pore of her being. I really liked her. I wish I could be like that (although I do think I am probably annoying enough to a lot of people and I know that as much as I love overly happy people, as many people do, certain other people find them bloody annoying, although to be fair those people are usually miserable bastards, but I'm getting off topic again here). There's something about happy people that draws you in (and the skeptics among you will say maybe that's how she got me to spend £45 a session on a treatment where she spends alot of time out of the room). So I get the impression she is a hardcore positive thinker. I mean, I honestly can't imagine this woman to ever have had a negative thought. I'm sure she has her ups and downs the same as everyone else but it does seem as if she has chosen to be happy and be positive. I think she could put a positive spin on any situation:
"Honey, I need to speak to you."
"Ooh how exciting, do tell."
"Well the thing is I've sort of been having an affair."
"Darling thats wonderful, at least one of us is getting some sex."

Obviously that is an entirely made up situation. But wouldn't it be great to be like that? Or not? Should we aspire to that constant happiness or should we take the rough with the smooth? Does being miserable make you appreciate the happy times more, or does happy breed more happy (much in the same way as negative seems to breed more negative). My argument is sometimes when things are really shit its so bloody hard to be happy, to find a positive, and when its taking all you've got just to get through the day surely trying to be happy as well is just too much effort? But then does positive thinking become a habit, easier over time, until its just second nature? Something the therapist said last night got me thinking. She said its important to replace the negative (as in different aches and pains I've been getting) with something positive. If you leave a hole there it can easily get filled with negativity again. Ok its easy to scoff at that kind of notion but when you think about it it kind of makes alot of sense. Replace the negative with the positive and gradually build yourself up to being a tower of positivity. So this morning I have been trying to notice when I have negative thoughts and replace them with a positive. And you know what? It's kind of nice. I don't know how real it is but then who wants real when you can have nice, and happy? I'll take fake and happy any day. Maybe that makes me an osterich with my head in the sand but hey, that's just your negative take on the situation.

Any thoughts anyone?

Happy endings?

Well I'm on day 2 of my quest to just to write, write and write some more and have got about 1200 words into a little short story which I'm quite enjoying (I may or may not post it at some stage depending on how brave I get!).

One of the things that has become apparent to me over the years of attempting to write is that I come up with great opening paragraphs, I know how to get people hooked into a story but then it often fizzles out as I don't really know where to go with it. One of the ways of the suggested ways of combatting this is to write the end first, or write the middle first so I know where to fill in the blanks. Good idea.

So I am now considering writing the ending of my story so I know where its headed, but as with all stories there are a number of potential outcomes. One of the reasons I love childrens novels is the simplicity of them, more often than not all of the themes are tied up by the end of the book, usually happy. Good tends to win over evil, and you know exactly where you are leaving the characters - usually happy, fufilled, safe and loved. I get a great deal of satisfaction from these kinds of stories, I like it when everything turns out right.

I do find "grown-up" books (and films) can often  leave things unresolved or with an un-happy ending, all very artistic and cultured and probably a bit more realistic I'm sure, but it leaves me feeling a bit cheated.

I think books/films/stories are meant to be an escape from daily life. Some people like to be frightened, some like to be titilated and others like to be made to laugh or cry but I think the common denominator is looking for adventure or fantasy within the comfort of our own homes. And although I enjoy the sad or confusing moments during the story, I really don't enjoy being left confused or sad at the end of it. It kind of negates the whole point of reading in the first place. I like to be left with that warm fuzzy feeling that you get from a nice happy ending!

This is what I like, but if I were to spend all my time writing just what I want to read I may end up with little or no audience! So in trying to get some insight into the kind of things real people want to read, I'd like to invite you to comment on what kind of ending you like? Happy or sad, resolved or unresolved? If you feel you don't want to elaborate, one word answers is fine. Although elaboration is also very welcome! This might help me decide on what ending I should use for my story.

And also I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who has read my first post and been so supportive on FB, I really hope you will continue to follow me (you can click become a follower to the right of this page). xxx

Eeeeek!

Ok so that's probably not a very creative start for a so called "creative writer" but you gotta start somewhere. I wonder how many people's blogs have started with that very title? Millions, I expect.

OK so I've decided its now or never. Shit or bust. I either get on and become a writer or a shut up about it and go and work in an office or something, do whats expected of me, a responsible 'wife' and mother. I've always had this dream, it's time to live it or put the whole thing to rest and get on with my life. Thing is I just hate waste. And I can't help but think I'm a big old bag of wasted potential. So this blog is going to be about my journey of striving to become a real, proper, legitimate writer.

I've always love to write. I used to write little books as a child and illustrate them myself, then I read my first Judy Blume book aged about 8 and it just blew me away. No matter where I was or what I was doing when I was reading a book suddenly I wasn't at home, or in the playground, I was living a new adventure or feeling new feelings and that was when the whole world just opened up to me. I could be anyone, go anywhere or feel anything, real or imagined, just by opening a book. That was when I realised I wanted to write and take people on the journeys and adventures of my imagination, my world.

I completed a BA in Creative Studies in English well over 10 years ago now, became a Technical Writer (sounds fancy but actually involved very little writing), lived abroad, came home and had kids. During this entire time I have written very little, sporadically at best, nothing at all at worst. Each time I start another unfinished project I know where its going. Nowhere! Because although I have some talent for writing (as much as anyone can think they have without being arrogant), and have learned a skill, I don't actually know how to use it. This lack of direction stops me from really getting my teeth into a project and also gives me no idea as to whether or not anything I'm writing is marketable. How to get my writing out there. How do I make a living from it? 

I have come to realise that I'm getting WAY ahead of myself. The first step is just to write. Write, write and write again. Then write some more. Write everything and anything that comes to mind in whatever little window of time I get. I'm sure even a shopping list could become more exciting with a little bit of Beth flair, OK, maybe not but you get the gist. Hmmm maybe that would be a good idea for a writing exercise. Write a shopping list with flair. That would be a good start. One of those pointless exercises designed for nothing more than flexing the old writing muscle. I'll do that.

Also I have been taken over by THE FEAR. As long as I'm not actually writing I'm not doing it and failing, no one is laughing at me and I don't look silly, a stupid little girl with a wild fantasy...

No more fear, no more procrastination. Every little thing I do and every little step I take is a step further to realising my dream.